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‘Beach House’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Beach House

212. Beach House

Aired January 4, 2015

The squad are looking forward to spending the weekend at Charles' beach house on a detectives-only getaway, until Jake invites the Captain along. Meanwhile, Boyle helps Rosa send romantic texts to Marcus, while Gina tries to get Amy drunk for her own amusement.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

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Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: You guys, this is gonna be fine. I mean Terry's our boss and he comes with us every year.
Sergeant Jeffords: Correction, you bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man's boss. When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Sergeant Jeffords: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I am dating his nephew. Now we are hanging out on weekends. What is next? Oh! Small talk.

Quote from Jake

Jake: We'll have two parties. A fun party down here with us, then an awkward, uncomfortable one in the living room with Holt. He doesn't even have to know about it. Separate parties.
Separate but equal.
Forget I said that phrase.

Quote from Amy

Jake: At least three of us must be in there at all times. It's not a party if there's not four people.
Amy: Especially between the sheets!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Amy, you gotta be glad Holt's here, right? I mean, you're basically in love with him.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, we don't have much time. The Captain's in the bathroom and we all know how efficient he is in there.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Mommy is out of town and we are gonna party!
Gina: You call your ex-wife Mommy?
Charles: Not conciously.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I know they say it's not good to have a TV in the bedroom. Which is why I don't.

Quote from Scully

Jake: All right, anyone else have questions? Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.
Scully: We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Wow, without the bubbles you can really see everything.
Hitchcock: Eyes up here, Peralta.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh no, six drink Amy isn't fun. She's just sad. Damn it!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I can't wait. This weekend, I am Vacation Terry. No kids. No responsibilities. I'm just a balloon floating in the great blue sky and I am untethered.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Gina: And just to clarify, just how untethered is vacation Terry from his wife?
Sergeant Jeffords: Very tethered.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: You brought pineapple?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, the fanny one's deep. I am prepared for any vacation situation. I've got a bottle opener, sun screen, inflatable neck pillow. Wait, are we having fondue?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: All right, Peralta, I'm sick of you wasting time. So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants and I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Just look at us. Three people with pants on having a normal conversation.
Captain Holt: Yep, no story here.

Quote from Charles

Charles: The only free bedroom is my ex-wife's which is completely off limits. She locks the door and takes the handle home with her.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Hello, party people. Peralta told me to say that.
Jake: Yeah, I did. Ain't no party like a Captain Holt party because a Captain Holt party is a total surprise to everyone.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm so cold even my fiery dance moves aren't keeping me warm.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Hey, Ray, it's time.
Captain Holt: For what, detective Santiago?
Amy: You to give me a promotion and a forty-percent raise. I've been carrying this squad for two years, and my back's getting tired.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I love him. I'm not in love with him. But I'm definitely not comfortable being drunk around him.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I do envy the camaraderie they shared. I've always wanted to josh around with my peers.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You know how I'm always saying it's not a real party until your boss shows up unexpectedly? Well, it's a party!

Quote from Jake

Jake: You guys are being a bunch of homophobic, racist, golf cops!

Quote from Charles

Charles: Mmm, texting. That's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers. Other than washing their hair.

Quote from Gina

Gina: The captain's making a toast. Don't be rude, prude.
Amy: Okay, I guess I'll have one more.
Captain Holt: You're on vacation. Who's counting?
Gina: *Whispers* I am.

Quote from Charles

Jake: I've never seen Captain Holt look so upset before. He looks like a sad block of granite.
Charles: What are we gonna do? How do you cheer up granite?


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