TV Quotes

Jake: I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Kevin: Rosa, tell us about your family.
Rosa: I have one.

Charles: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Charles: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Charles: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

Sergeant Jeffords: Your tone's braggy but your words are real sad.

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. You can work the case from right here, but you are tied to your desk.
Jake: Tied to my desk? Mr. Grey will see you now, Sarge.

Captain Holt: Well, I've used the sick excuse for you eight times. I think they're catching on.
Rosa: You could say you're sick.
Captain Holt: No one would ever believe that.

Gina: I will be there. All I ask is you clear the furniture out of your living room so I can show Kev some of my new dance opera.
Rosa: Why just some of it? Do the whole thing.
Captain Holt: Yes. Nothing would make me happier. See you Thursday at 8.

Charles: No, I was out getting him some healing broth. I was torn between chicken or beef, but then it hit me, goat.

Captain Holt: Marcus, Detective Diaz, what a surprise. I didn't expect you for another nine and a half minutes.
Rosa: See, told you it was rude to be early. Well, let's cancel the entire evening and try again next year.

Captain Holt: Are your senses heightened?
Rosa: I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.

Jake: I don't have a problem. I'm just trying to solve this case, and everyone's making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes and jaw.
Charles: Jaw?
Jake: Yeah, that just happened. I got hit in the face with a box.

Jake: Okay, fine. I accept my fate. Just take a picture of my penis first, for posterity, then do what you must.

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell are you doing out there, Peralta?
Jake: Would you believe that my urine stream was so powerful that it-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope.

Sergeant Jeffords: You happy now? Broken ribs and a million broken toes weren't enough for you?
Jake: In retrospect they were plenty, yes.

Amy: Copy that, Capi-tain. Later, skater.

Gina: Amy, all your cooking stinks. Why would you even get involved with tuna and egg?

Jake: And I'm allowed to have light, non-strenuous sex provided I stretch before and after.
Hitchcock: Nice.