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16Quotes from ‘A Tale of Two Bandits’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: A Tale of Two Bandits

605. A Tale of Two Bandits

Aired February 7, 2019

Terry believes the Pontiac Bandit is stealing cars again, but Jake is convinced his friend wouldn't do that. The rest of the squad fight to keep Shaw's a police bar after some firemen stake their claim to it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: You're really gonna let these firefighters take Shaw's from us? Think of all the celebrations we've had here, all the times Terry has yelled "Nine-Nine!"
Captain Holt: I hate it when he says that. He should say, "Cheers to the Ninety-Ninth Precinct!"

Quote from Rosa

Charles: We don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning, so if you throw up, you're disqualified.
Rosa: I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: My God. Hitchcock, are you the only person still making sense?
Hitchcock: Yeah. It's bad.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Guys, there's no way we can win. There's nine of them and six of us.
Captain Holt: Five of you. I'm going home. Although perhaps I'll stop at Bel Vino on the way, have a glass of Sancerre. Might even try the quince paste if I'm feeling naughty.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You still want to pretend you had nothing to do with this?
Doug Judy: I didn't, and she didn't either. Trudy Judy's not a car thief. Trudy Judy's an angel. She's putting herself through nursing school. And nurses are the best of our society. Name one bad nurse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nurse Ratched. Kathy Bates in "Misery." Nurse Jackie had a pill problem.
Doug Judy: Okay, damn, you got a lot of real good examples off the top of your head.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Amy, where you at?
Amy: Four drinks.
Rosa: What's four-drink Amy again?
Amy: Why don't you come over here and find out?
Rosa: Right, Horny Amy. It feels like you should retire that one for the MeToo era.
Amy: Why don't you come over here and make me?

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: So the fence, Dallas, he works in there.
Jake: I don't like him. My rule? Never trust anyone named after a city.
Doug Judy: What about Orlando Bloom?
Jake: I never thought about him being named after the city before, and his last name is Bloom? Wait a minute, did we just realize something crazy?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! Everyone know it's a crazy name.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: When I heard that, I was shaken to my core. I thought this bar was beneath me, but what was actually beneath me was my own behavior. I had turned my back on-
Charles: Holt! We do not have time for this. Just drinky, drinky!
Captain Holt: Hank, bring me a Charbonnay.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Damn, sir, you took that Charbonnay to the house. How you feeling?
Captain Holt: Let me take stock. My equilibrium is askew, my vision is partially impaired, and I'm clearly slurring my words. To put a fine point on it, your boy is turnt.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Someone's using his signature move to steal cars, plugging in to the OBD port and reprogramming the immobilizer module.
Jake: That's Doug Judy's MO, but it's not him. He told me he went legit.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what he told you last time too, before he screwed you over.
Jake: Yeah, but he returned the diamonds to me eventually, and it turned out that was the only way to get Giggle Pig off the streets. Wait, I may be confusing our adventures. What year was the cruise?

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Dude's a criminal. People don't change.
Jake: Ever heard of Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk? You might want to talk to his shirts and pants about people not changing.

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: Carl? Mangy Carl?
Jake: Yes. That is me.
Trudy Judy: I'm Trudy Judy, Doug's sister. This is our aunt Patrice. I'm so glad you could make it. Doug really loved you.
Jake: Oh, he talked about me?
Trudy Judy: Oh, all the time. He was so afraid he'd fall back into your old life. Doug made Mangy Carl an assistant at the architecture firm. He rescued him from a life on the streets.
Jake: Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.
Trudy Judy: You were selling your body for money.
Jake: Did Doug tell you that?
Trudy Judy: He said all your teeth fell out, and your mouth was just a rotten hole.
Jake: 100% accurate.
Trudy Judy: Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.
Jake: Had to have 'em.
Trudy Judy: Carl thought a plumper rump would help him get his [bleep] every night.
Jake: Yeah, I remember having that thought.
Trudy Judy: But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there, and it got all infected.
Jake: Dark days.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to Shaw's. It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.
Rosa: A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You're describing hell.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: But this is our bar, and it has been forever.
Captain Holt: Change is a good thing.
Rosa: Just yesterday, you were ranting about the Philharmonic adding a second piccolo.
Captain Holt: It's too many! It'll muddle the sound!
Rosa: I'm sorry I brought it up.

Quote from Rosa

Rob Dulubnik: Oh, yeah? We experience plenty of tragedy too. We lose a man a year to the pole hole.
[Rosa laughs]

Quote from Jake

Jake: So did you check out Judy's alibi?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, and surprisingly, it checks out. Last Saturday night, Doug was deejaying Joshy Greenbaum's bar mitzvah.
Doug Judy: That was a wild party. Auntie Karen is a freak.
Jake: Judy, you deejay bar mitzvahs?
Doug Judy: Best gig I ever had. No one likes hip-hop more than a 13-year-old Jewish boy.
Jake: Mm. So true.


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