TV Quotes

Rosa: I want to say a few words. When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give a rat's ass.
Charles: This is your speech?
Rosa: 'Cause I didn't understand why people care so much about their dumb dogs till I got a dumb dog myself. I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Gina: Very violent eulogy, I like it.

Captain Holt: There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
Jake: Mumps, that's a funny word.
Captain Holt: It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Jake: Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.

Captain Holt: Perfect timing as our quarantine has finally ended and our goiters are gone.
Jake: Yes, indeed. We're free to go outside and lick whoever's eyeballs we'd like.
Captain Holt: Inaccurate, no one is ever free to do that.
Jake: Yeah, you're right.

Captain Holt: Emergency at the gym just when two cops show up at his door. That seems suspicious. We should follow him.
Jake: Yeah, this case might actually lead somewhere.
Captain Holt: Why are you so surprised?
Jake: Because every day on this job is a wonder.
Captain Holt: (pondering) Damn right it is.

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell is going on in here?
Scully: Hitchcock's trying to steal my sandwich.
Hitchcock: Well, we both ordered meatball subs, but they only delivered one. It's mine!
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, guys, look, just walk to the sub shop it's a block away and get a second sandwich.
Scully: Walk?
Hitchcock: Are you insane?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine, cut the damn sandwich in half.
Scully: And then what, genius? We each eat a 6-inch sub?
Hitchcock: Two and a half meatballs a piece?
Scully: Are we children?
Hitchcock: What is this, Russia?
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, that's it. No one eats the sub. Get back to work!

Captain Holt: So you lied to me? Out of pity. You pity me.
Jake: I wouldn't put it that way.
Captain Holt: I would. I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired. So I'm gonna take a nap, but when I wake up, oh, you are in for it.

Jake: - Morning, Captain.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: I'd like to introduce you to someone. His name is Simon, and I hate him.
Captain Holt: Hello, Simon. This is Balthazar. He's an evil demon who spits fire in my throat.
Jake: Goiters, huh?

Jake: This might just be the fever talking, but this unedited footage of an Italian restaurant from eight years ago might be the best movie I've ever seen. Also, how weird are forks?
Captain Holt: Forks are very weird. I've always thought so.

Captain Holt: Oh, nine days in isolation.
Amy: Sir, I'd be happy to keep you company. We can watch the ten-part Nicholas Nickleby special on PBS. Hear there's a lot of long, quiet stretches.
Captain Holt: I do love long, quiet stretches.

Jake: Also, I know you're not supposed to, but I kind of want to poke my mump.
Captain Holt: Bad idea.
Jake: I'm going in. Here we go. It hurts! How did I not see that coming? Whoa, I feel dizzy.

Jake: Did we take too much cold medicine?
Captain Holt: Not by a long shot. Balthazar is a thirsty bitch.
Jake: Ah, I'll drink to that.

Jake: He's eating snakes! No, it's spaghetti.
Captain Holt: It's always spaghetti.
Jake: I'm just saying, if that's spaghetti, it looks like snakes.

Gina: You need to stop focusing on tests. There's more to life than scores and book learning, okay? Look at me, I've had no official dance training. Yet here I stand a miracle of movement.

Amy: Jake, you need to drop this case.
Jake: What are you talking about? The plan is working perfectly. Holt hasn't been lonely all week.
Amy: Yeah, because he's too busy almost dying. Look at him.
Jake: What? He's just "Beautiful Mind"-ing it. Because he's a genius.
Amy: He's writing the word "case" over and over again. Oh, now he's spelling it with a K.
Jake: Is that not how you spell it? Again, I have a mouth, neck, and testicle-melting fever.

Rosa: What are you doing?
Charles: Just sealing Jason's collar in an airtight bag so it retains his scent. I don't know how many whiffs I have left.

Rosa: Look, I know that dog meant a lot to you, so I got you this. It's a dog. His name's Arlo, but you can call him Jason Two or whatever.

Jake: Hey, I found popsicles. These should help cool us down. "Thanks, Jake." You're welcome, nards.

Amy: What the hell? I used Garibaldi's exact recipe. I know I'm not a great cook, but I love following instructions.

Jake: Seven cups of salt? Even I know this isn't a recipe. Which means it might be a code.
Amy: Ooh, interesting. Ten digits, maybe it's a phone number. Look, 718, Brooklyn area code.
Jake: Yes, that's definitely it. Wait, did you actually use all of this salt and 18 cups of oregano?
Amy: Back off, I solved the case.
Captain Holt: Nine onions? Oh, Amy.
Amy: How am I the bad guy here?

Gina: The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, Gina.
Gina: Ah, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who believes in you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.
Gina: My God, you're strong.

(Amy walks away)
Jake: Oh, my God, I thought I was following her. Yep, I should probably lie down.