Eric: We had a little discussion and she promised no more revealing stories about her and dad.
Jack: I'm gonna miss those. Especially the one in the elevator.

Jack: You know the one I mean. Her name rhymes with Noshmanga.

Jack: What do you think you're the first woman we've ever lived with?
Rachel: Besides your mothers, yes.
Eric: Is that an accurate count, Jack?
Jack: I stayed with Nana Booboo once. Now there's a woman.

Eric: Hello! Wow! Look at that. How'd you like to come home to that every day?
Jack: We do come home to that. It's Rachel. You unbelievable, incredible buffoon.

Rachel: So, Topanga, what's your middle name?
Topanga: I don't wanna play.
Jack: Why not?
Topanga: I have a weird middle name.
Jack: Your first name is Topagana. What could your middle name be? Schmooboogie?

Rachel: I just don't understand it. We've been here all night and it's like you two aren't having any fun at all.
Eric: Well, frankly we're appalled by what's going on.
Jack: Mam, I am not a chair.

Jack: I'm not going to be an elf. I was depressed enough about not going to the Bahamas. This little green pointy hat's really going to push me over the edge.

Jack: You think I don't understand good looks and a rich daddy? You and I are cut from the same velvet cloth.

Jack: That would look good on my resume. I could get a new job, buy a beautiful house and hire a security guard to shoot you on sight if you ever come near my property.

Jack: He got him didn't he? Eric's gone. Oh no! Poor Eric. He was so young and stupid.