Lindsay: We had sex once in the last year, and he just laid there.
Michael: All right. Look, this money is for land. I'm not gonna give you money to have an affair. Why don't you pick something else to boost up your self-worth? How about, uh, charity? Why don't you get back to your roots?
Lindsay: Well, it has been a while. All right! I'm gonna go do that right now.
Michael: You're gonna go get your hair done, aren't you?
Lindsay: Well, if I'm gonna have an affair...

Michael: He doesn't need you. You coddle him. He's too old to go running to his mommy with all his problems.
Lucille: I seem to remember a certain someone running to Mommy when his algebra teacher made an example of him.
Narrator: Michael had been suspended when another boy cheated off his test.
[flashback:]
Young Michael: Tracy won't marry me. I won't get a job, and... [Lucille hugs Michael] What is this? What's happening?
Lucille: Let Mama take care of it. I'll have a little chat with Mr. Vandenbosch.
Narrator: The next day, Mr. Vandenbosch was not in school. He was never heard from again.

Michael: I know life is not fair to women. Your children grow up, and they don't need you anymore.
Lucille: And I seem to remember a certain grown man who completely fell apart two weeks ago when I taped over the Nova special that had the girl on it he liked.
Michael: That was Buster. That's my point.

Maeby: You think you saw Pop-Pop?
George Michael: But with hair! Which is probably why he asked for my hair, remember?
Maeby: It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candy apple on his way to Mexico!
George Michael: Of course! You're mocking me.
Maeby: Of course.
George Michael: Listen, I know what I saw, Maeby. And there's no other explanation.

George Sr.: [on the phone] So listen. My twin brother's in town. I want you to take care of him.
Michael: You still see Uncle Oscar?
George Sr.: Tell you what. Give him ten grand from the, uh, new cash. Just send him on his way.
Michael: Dad, the money is for the business, okay? I'm not just gonna hand it all out.
George Sr.: Michael! This is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael: Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful though.

Tobias: I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: That's not what I was thinking.

Gob: Sorry, I just- A quick question for Michael.
Michael: Is this about the money?
Gob: No!
Michael: What do you want?
Gob: It's not about money in the sense that I'm saying, "Here, Michael, take some money." It's just more of a "May I have some?" kind of visit.

[flashback:]
Bride of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Bride of Gob: No. Your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? Michael!
Bride of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: I'm my sister's brother. You're in love with me. Me!
Bride of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: My brother-in-law?
Bride of Gob: I know it can never be. So I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother.
Bride of Gob: No!

Michael: Well, um, there, uh there may not be as much investment capital as we thought. Uh, money's kind of tied up in this land deal.
Tobias: This is the first any of us at Gobias Industries have heard of a land deal.

Michael: Listen, Gob, he's human. He's a human being, and let-let me try to get us out of this, you know? Let me just see if I can get Dad out of this mess that he has created for himself, okay?
Tobias: I'm afraid this offer comes off the table at midnight tonight.
Michael: Maybe the worst bluff I've ever seen.
Narrator: Even the members of Gobias agreed on that one.