Wayne Jarvis: Michael, when we started talking to you, we didn't have anything. But now we got something. And you're gonna do time for it.
Barry: Those are the pictures?
Wayne Jarvis: They're all over the news.
Barry: Those are balls.
Wayne Jarvis: What?
Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself while learning to use his camera phone.
Barry: See, uh, this close, they always look like landscape. Nope, you're lookin' at balls.
Narrator: Soon, forensic scientists confirmed this. And for the second time in two days the information-sharing network put into place by the Patriot Act was put to use.

Michael: Now, listen, Oscar. Maybe you should think about moving on, you know. This really isn't your scene, with the sweaters and the furniture. Maybe you should take a leap at freedom, like my father. Just run. [air horn blasts] Is that her rape horn?
Oscar: It's more like a starter's pistol.
Michael: Run.

Maeby: What are you doing here?
Lindsay: [hoarse] I thought I'd spend a little time with my daughter. After all, it hasn't been that long since I've been in high school. [bell rings] Is that a fire?
Maeby: We have to go to class.

Lucille: Is that for Lindsay? Because she's not scared to eat in front of me anymore. Those are the whites only, yes?
Michael: These aren't for Lindsay. These are mine.
Lucille: Anyway, I'm not lying anymore either, Michael. I'm being lied... [seductively to Oscar] on.
Michael: Wow. Now more's gonna come up than go down.

Michael: Oscar, please. You can't go. You gotta stay, okay? This is the nicest she's been since she found out Rosa could breast-feed Buster.

Narrator: Actually, Buster had hit a wall in his army training.
Buster: I can't do it! I can't make my bed, and I can't do this either! Aren't you supposed to yell at me and call me "homo" and motivate me over this wall?
Sergeant Baker: We can't do that anymore. Lawsuit.
Narrator: In fact, it was a recent ruling prosecuted by the same man who Michael was soon to meet with.
James Alan Spangler: It's going to be a long time before Sergeant Wendell Baker calls someone "Private Homo" again.

Michael: How'd that math test work out?
George Michael: Oh, it was okay, I guess. But- I don't know. It was weird. I studied with Ann but I still got a B-minus.
Michael: Ann got you a B-minus?
George Michael: Well, it wasn't Ann. She's an expert in math. Isn't that cute?
Michael: Is it?
Narrator: Michael felt his son was setting the bar too low with his dating standards.
George Michael: No, it wasn't Ann's fault. I think I just ended up thinkin' about the questions too long. And so, by the time I put an answer down, I went with, like my fifth choice or somethin' like that.
Michael: George Michael, never settle for fifth choice. Something better is gonna come along. She just has to.

George Michael: I think maybe sitting in the back of the class with Ann is a bad idea. You know, she's just so pretty. I get distracted, I guess.
Michael: Do you?
George Michael: I wish I could draw her nose.
Michael: Maybe it's your eyes. Maybe you need glasses for your grades. Didn't you say you had a hard time readin' the board sittin' in the back row?
George Michael: No, I said I was in the back of the classroom.
Michael: Yeah, that's what I mean.

Tobias: I'm late for the gym. Oh, and also, here's a number in case the Blue Man Group calls and needs an understudy. I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.
Lindsay: Neither do you.
Michael: Pretty brave card for you to play.
Lindsay: [hoarse] I just can't stand it. Tobias getting in shape for a bunch of slutty gym rats.
Michael: What's wrong with your voice?
Lindsay: Nothing. I've been going out.
Narrator: Lindsay had been frequenting singles clubs also still hoping to make her open marriage work... which it won't.

George Sr.: So, you ready for this new prosecutor?
Michael: I was until you came back.
George Sr.: You're not gonna turn me in, are you? Because I had no idea there were sanctions against, uh, Iraq. You know, th-they sent me over there. They said, "Go build." Uh- Uh, Do I look like a criminal mastermind to you? How do you get this ham open? I can't- I can't get this ham open.