TV Quotes

Narrator: On the top of a hillside, deep in the mountains of Shuturmurg, India, sits a mystical retreat long sought out by those seeking answers...
Lindsay: Is this real?
Narrator: ...to the questions that define us.
Lindsay: I mean, is any of this real? How do I know what's real?
Narrator: This is Lindsay Bluth Fünke.
Animesh: You see me before you, yes? I am real to you. And this bag next to me, it is as real as you or me.
Lindsay: No, I know that one's real. I meant the other one, the Louis Vuitton. I don't remember Vuitton having two E's.
Narrator: The hillside was also known for their bargains on designer handbags.
Animesh: That's how they do it here. You can't go wrong. Best bag on the mountain.
Jaideep: I love this bag. I give you 60 for it. It's the best bag on the mountain.
Lindsay: Excuse me. I'll give you $70.
Animesh: I just promised it to her.
Narrator: Lindsay Bluth had come to India for both reasons.
Lindsay: $120.
Animesh: You just bought the best bag on the mountain. Congratulations.
Jaideep: Best bag on the mountain.

Lucille: They are persecuting me. It was an accident. This is ridiculous! If I'd told them we were taking a bunch of gays out there to get married, they'd have thrown me a parade. Let's tell them we were taking a bunch of gays to get married.
Lindsay: Yeah, I don't think your record on that issue is going to back that up, Mom.
Narrator: In fact, it was an issue of the Bay Window magazine that would most damage her with the gay community.
Lucille: Fine. We'll say they took it on a joyride. And you have no right to criticize me. At least I was able to turn my Queen around.
Tobias: None taken.
Narrator: This is Tobias Fünke, who should have taken more.
Lindsay: You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?
Lucille: Adopted daughter. And that's not true.

Tobias: I'm afraid I might not be able to be deposed either. I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.
Michael: The prosecution called you?
Tobias: I assume it's a CBS procedural. Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know. And they did ask for old photos and documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.
Michael: The prosecution is not a TV show. It's clearly somebody in the D.A.'s office trying to get you to flip. These guys will bend the law to enforce the law.
Tobias: Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.

Narrator: Lindsay was about to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
Lucille: Who is it?
Tobias: [o.s.] [high-pitched voice; British accent] The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.
Lucille: I'm sorry. I didn't call any-
Tobias: [enters] Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones. I can also, uh, sing a song or two, if it comes in handy. [sings] When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat Before we take our medications...
Narrator: Tobias had gained access to the studio's wardrobe and makeup department. He was eager to both see his daughter and prove to his wife that he had what it took to be an actor. It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tobias: In the most delicious way...
Narrator: There was also some Mary Poppins in there.
Lindsay: Let's get this house cleaned.