TV Quotes

Tobias: Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?
Tobias: The reason that you can't accept my help is the same reason you can't hear that gentleman's idea, because you have to be in total control of everything. And it's going to make you sick if you can't let go.

Tobias: Wouldn't do what?
Lindsay: Be Michael's assistant.
Tobias: [chuckles] Well, that's what I came down here to ask about. I think you'll find me more than qualified.
Michael: It's really not that simple. Uh, you'd have to submit a resume.
Tobias: Booyah!
Michael: Wow. Gobias Industries.
Tobias: Gobias.
Michael: Right.
Tobias: As in "Go buy us a cup of-"
Michael: I remember, yeah.

Tobias: I'm afraid I might not be able to be deposed either. I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.
Michael: The prosecution called you?
Tobias: I assume it's a CBS procedural. Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know. And they did ask for old photos and documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.
Michael: The prosecution is not a TV show. It's clearly somebody in the D.A.'s office trying to get you to flip. These guys will bend the law to enforce the law.
Tobias: Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.

Narrator: Lindsay was about to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
Lucille: Who is it?
Tobias: [o.s.] [high-pitched voice; British accent] The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.
Lucille: I'm sorry. I didn't call any-
Tobias: [enters] Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones. I can also, uh, sing a song or two, if it comes in handy. [sings] When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat Before we take our medications...
Narrator: Tobias had gained access to the studio's wardrobe and makeup department. He was eager to both see his daughter and prove to his wife that he had what it took to be an actor. It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tobias: In the most delicious way...
Narrator: There was also some Mary Poppins in there.
Lindsay: Let's get this house cleaned.