Tobias: Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?
Tobias: The reason that you can't accept my help is the same reason you can't hear that gentleman's idea, because you have to be in total control of everything. And it's going to make you sick if you can't let go.

Tobias: Wouldn't do what?
Lindsay: Be Michael's assistant.
Tobias: [chuckles] Well, that's what I came down here to ask about. I think you'll find me more than qualified.
Michael: It's really not that simple. Uh, you'd have to submit a resume.
Tobias: Booyah!
Michael: Wow. Gobias Industries.
Tobias: Gobias.
Michael: Right.
Tobias: As in "Go buy us a cup of-"
Michael: I remember, yeah.

Narrator: Tobias had been sent to the office by George Sr.
Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias Funke and I'll be filling in for Michael, who is not sick. [chuckles] In fact, just today I saw a sliver of his buttocks and they're as fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, so not to worry. [chuckles] But before you all rise up and say, "Well, let's make this man our leader," well, I think that won't be necessary after you see this.