Tobias Quote #36
George Michael: So, uh, I've been thinking about that, uh... that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from, and, uh... I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
Tobias: Yes, okay. Uh, well, have a seat. Uh... Um... When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually... When a man loves a woman and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her something very, very special happens. And, uh, with deep, deep concentration... and-and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec-
George Michael: I'm sorry. I'm gonna stop you. I know where you're running. l-I didn't mean babies in general.
Tobias: Oh, well, that's good, 'cause it was about to get a little, ick, gross.
George Michael: Yeah. No, I meant specifically with Maeby.
Tobias: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't right.
George Michael: I know. You're right. I'm sorry.
Tobias: No, no. It says it's a shower scene. I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene. It has nudity.
Narrator: Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Tobias: I don't do nudity. It says that right on my resume. Okay? What What do you think I wear these for?
George Michael: I was never actually clear on that.
Quote from Lucille
Narrator: George Michael, having failed to get the information he needed from anyone else made the ultimate sacrifice and went to the keeper of the family secrets.
George Michael: So, uh, it's about Maeby.
Lucille: Oh! That's a lost cause. But you get what you pay for, huh?
George Michael: Yeah. Wait. What- What do you mean, "pay"?
Lucille: Fertility tests, lab fees, donors and implants. She's not real. She was made in a cup. Like soup. A hundred and thirty thousand dollar cup of soup. How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone? All I know is it took an extra year before we could add a den.
George Michael: So are you saying we're not directly related?
Lucille: I'm saying she already spent her inheritance getting here.
Quote from Tobias
Narrator: Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn't do the part.
Tobias: It plays naked, okay?
Lindsay: Tobias, we're gonna have to deal with this sometime. I mean, I understand you not wanting to do it on film but you can't even get undressed in front of me.
Tobias: It is not you, Lindsay. I can't get undressed alone. I can't get undressed by myself. I mean, this is a real affliction. I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the states. But I know for a fact that there are two members of German Parliament. They're called "nein wohlstandig" nude. But they're German, so... They speak German, so they have a different...
Quote from Gob
Buster: So, you're, uh you're not with Marta anymore?
Gob: Well, my plan is to get her wanting me but bad, and then I spring it on her. "I know you've been cheating on me, and you just cost yourself one fine man. And one fine CD of him singing 'Love is in the Air'."
Quote from Exit Strategy
Tobias: I'm afraid I might not be able to be deposed either. I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.
Michael: The prosecution called you?
Tobias: I assume it's a CBS procedural. Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know. And they did ask for old photos and documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.
Michael: The prosecution is not a TV show. It's clearly somebody in the D.A.'s office trying to get you to flip. These guys will bend the law to enforce the law.
Tobias: Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.
Quote from The Immaculate Election
Narrator: Lindsay was about to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
Lucille: Who is it?
Tobias: [o.s.] [high-pitched voice; British accent] The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.
Lucille: I'm sorry. I didn't call any-
Tobias: [enters] Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones. I can also, uh, sing a song or two, if it comes in handy. [sings] When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat Before we take our medications...
Narrator: Tobias had gained access to the studio's wardrobe and makeup department. He was eager to both see his daughter and prove to his wife that he had what it took to be an actor. It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tobias: In the most delicious way...
Narrator: There was also some Mary Poppins in there.
Lindsay: Let's get this house cleaned.
Quote from Sinking Feelings
Tobias: I'm his bastard father. This is my bastard son, Murphybrown.
Michael: Murphy? And his last name is Brown?
Tobias: No. Murphybrown is his first name. His last name is uh... Well, now it's Fünke.
Murphybrown: Oh, that's how you say it.
Tobias: Yes. He's named after a famous private investigator who worked for the Chicago Sun-Times and then for the Washington Post.
Michael: I believe it is a character from TV that was played by Candice Bergen.
Tobias: Well, that is a coincidence. [laughs] Uh, now I have two things to be embarrassed about. The second being keeping this a secret for so long. And I feel like I should apologize to maybe half the people in this room, but maybe most of all... Mother Bluth, because bringing my son back into our family clearly drove Lindsay away.