Lindsay: Why don't you just ask her out?
Michael: That's not an option.
Lindsay: 'Cause you're scared?
Michael: No, because of George Michael. He still hasn't gotten over losing his mother. I just want to get him through high school; then we'll deal with me.
Lindsay: So you didn't get any while you were in high school and now you're not gonna get any while George Michael's in high school?

Jessie: And, Tobias, you're a medical doctor and you're living an absurd fantasy as an actor. It's time to get real.
Tobias: Wow. It's tough talk, but I like it. You're saying land a major film.
Jessie: I'm saying get your medical license back. I've set up a hearing for tomorrow in Boston. Michael has generously donated $1,100 for your trip.
Tobias: I'm sorry. I truly believe that the universe wants me to be an actor and not a doctor. I'm just waiting for a sign.
Michael: Here's your cash. Universal Shuttle picks you up at 8:00.
Tobias: Any sign, really.

Lucille: Don't ever mention Klimpy's to me again.
Michael: What did you do?
Lucille: If I still had money, I'd buy a Klimpy's just to burn it to the ground.
Michael: I know, Mom. You hate Klimpy's. Tell me what happened.
Lucille: Well, your sister and I tried to get into that new restaurant, Rud, and they wouldn't let us in.
[flashback:]
Maitre'D : Mrs. Bluth, there's absolutely no room.
Lindsay: Come on. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Lucille: Oh, who's going to believe that?

Michael: So there really was no fight?
Lucille: Well, one tiny thing at the end.
[flashback:]
Lindsay: [sobs] How can you treat me this way?
Lucille: Oh, please! Everything I've said about you can be covered with makeup and a lie about a thyroid problem. Good grief almighty! You think I'm enjoying my slide into poverty? [knocks over desert tray] Sorry, Lindsay. There goes your dessert.
Lindsay: Why don't you eat it, Mother? Why don't you just take this cake and shove it [bleep] Hey, who called the cops?

Lucille: It was all just a big misunderstanding.
Lindsay: Totally blown out of proportion.
Michael: Well, listen, just so you know, I think it cost George Michael a chance to go to the Milford School.
Lucille: Oh, big deal. Buster's the only one who ever liked it.
Narrator: Buster so excelled at being neither seen nor heard that he remained at the school undetected for a full two semesters after he was supposed to graduate.

Narrator: And so the family gathered at the model home eager to hear their new publicist's plan.
Gob: Get jobs and behave?
Lindsay: Instead of us getting jobs why don't you do your job and tell everyone we've got jobs?
George Michael: You know, I have a job.
Tobias: [coughs] Kiss ass. Well, we were all thinking it.
Buster: Uh, I'm unclear about what it is exactly you do.
Jessie: Excellent question. What a publicist does-
Buster: No, no. I was talking to George Michael. When did you get a job?
George Michael: At the banana stand.
Buster: Oh! Duh. I thought you meant like a plumber or something. And I was like, "When did that happen?" [chuckles]

Jessie: I'm going on the offensive. I want to get an article in the paper to show that this is a functional family and a relatable family.
George Sr.: [on TV] Are we on? Hello! Hello from prison! Thanks to Jessie for setting up this telelink. I've started a Torah study group. I'm very excited about it. Looks like... I don't know, looks like I have some possible converts.
Jessie: Your father's religious now? We'll play that up. It's very sympathetic.
Lucille: Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?

Jessie: And it allows me to put Michael front and center. He needs to be the new face of this family. He's the only likable one in the bunch. No offense.
Michael: None taken. [everyone else is silent]
Gob: I'm sorry. Isn't Michael the least likable one in the family?
Jessie: No. There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out. She... She said single. You did say "single," correct? I thought I...

Gob: I'm sorry. I'm still on the whole Michael being likable thing. You know that he's only had sex with, like, four women, right?
Jessie: Let's focus on your likability. You're going to start doing some charity work with your magic.
Lindsay: Actually, I'm kind of the charitable one of the family.
Jessie: I think it's best if you got a job.
Lindsay: Oh, come on! I'm a parent. I care about my daughter every bit as much as Michael cares about his son.
Maeby: What grade am I in?
Lindsay: What kind of job?
Jessie: Something where you'll be seen. I represent Cloudmir Vodka and they want someone to promote it by ordering it at a hot bar. A place like Rud.
Lindsay: Okay. I'll do it.

George Sr.: [on TV] Sorry. Some of my students are arguing the significance of the shank bone on the seder plate. But that... [static] Not- Do not wag our genitals at one another to make a point.
Michael: Thought provoking.
Jessie: And, Lucille, people think you're cold.
George Sr.: Hanukkah can be spelled so many ways. Oh, God! [Lucille turns the TV off]