Man: Could I have the Bluth family over here, please? And over here, the victims of the Bluth family?
Narrator: And that's when Lindsay found a Iabel more fitting than "Bluth."
Tobias: No, Lindsay, you're going to the wrong area. Kenny, Chet, Curtis, Mike, Bix, and Gator are over here. We should be over here at the Bluth area with Gob and Buster and, uh... Uh... Your brother, uh... Michael?
Lindsay: Michael.
Tobias: Yes. Sorry. I was thinking of Mike, the hot seaman.
Lindsay: I've spent years trying to fit into this family, and it's not me. My life is a fallacy.
Tobias: Oh... [sings] Is that a gall see? No, it's just a phallus... see! We loved that. Where's that from?

Narrator: On the top of a hillside, deep in the mountains of Shuturmurg, India, sits a mystical retreat long sought out by those seeking answers...
Lindsay: Is this real?
Narrator: ...to the questions that define us.
Lindsay: I mean, is any of this real? How do I know what's real?
Narrator: This is Lindsay Bluth Fünke.
Animesh: You see me before you, yes? I am real to you. And this bag next to me, it is as real as you or me.
Lindsay: No, I know that one's real. I meant the other one, the Louis Vuitton. I don't remember Vuitton having two E's.
Narrator: The hillside was also known for their bargains on designer handbags.
Animesh: That's how they do it here. You can't go wrong. Best bag on the mountain.
Jaideep: I love this bag. I give you 60 for it. It's the best bag on the mountain.
Lindsay: Excuse me. I'll give you $70.
Animesh: I just promised it to her.
Narrator: Lindsay Bluth had come to India for both reasons.
Lindsay: $120.
Animesh: You just bought the best bag on the mountain. Congratulations.
Jaideep: Best bag on the mountain.

Lucille: They are persecuting me. It was an accident. This is ridiculous! If I'd told them we were taking a bunch of gays out there to get married, they'd have thrown me a parade. Let's tell them we were taking a bunch of gays to get married.
Lindsay: Yeah, I don't think your record on that issue is going to back that up, Mom.
Narrator: In fact, it was an issue of the Bay Window magazine that would most damage her with the gay community.
Lucille: Fine. We'll say they took it on a joyride. And you have no right to criticize me. At least I was able to turn my Queen around.
Tobias: None taken.
Narrator: This is Tobias Fünke, who should have taken more.
Lindsay: You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?
Lucille: Adopted daughter. And that's not true.

Lindsay: I don't know if there's a right time to say this, but this marriage of ours, it hasn't been working. Yeah, there's nothing keeping us together.
Tobias: I... I believe we're thinking the same thing.
Lindsay: Yeah, we should end it.
Tobias: Let's give it another shot. To the head. Kill it. Yes.

Narrator: And after an hour or so with SkyMall, where she was proud of herself for only buying two things: a self-cleaning litter box in case she ever got a cat, and an inflatable hat box in case she ever got a hat, she got to a great article in the in-flight magazine and found herself filling up with inner peace and acceptance. I mean, not right away.
Lindsay: What is she doing back there?
Narrator: That passenger had been pushing on her seat for, like, four hours.

Narrator: But at her 3:00 p.m. shaman...
Shaman: You are living a life without love.
Narrator: Lindsay got a deeper treatment than she had hoped for.
Lindsay: How do I learn to be happy? You know, to love?
Shaman: When love is near your heart, you'll be happy. You must live life truthfully.
Lindsay: Yeah, no, I-I-I do live truthfully, but I'm just so full of passion.
Shaman: You are so full of [bleep].
Lindsay: Yeah, yeah. Although, in my culture, "full of [bleep]" is kind of like a dig. I mean, you'd never say it to a customer. But yeah, no, I know what you mean.

Michael: What deal did you strike with her? What part of her soul did you buy?
Lucille: All I've asked is that she testify that I was a wonderful mother who did her best.
Michael: So all of it.
Lindsay: No, Michael. I'm not a whore. I don't get any of the money until after I do the disgusting thing. But I'm not here just for the stimmy. I'm here because a shaman told me that love is where I left it. Which, after much soul searching and by process of elimination, is Tobias.
Tobias: I got the part.
Narrator: And so Lindsay and Tobias took another shot at being husband and wife.

James Carr: We're gonna get you in the right house. And it's just the two of you? You have no children?
Lindsay: We don't.
Tobias: We should be honest here. We have no income flow. No incoming income flow. We have plenty of outgoing income.
Lindsay: No savings, no credit. I mean, we had some stimmy, but that went to his hospital bills. But there's one thing we do have...
James Carr: Work ethic!
Lindsay: Right. No work ethic. But there's one thing we do have, we do have a daughter. I was just on auto-pilot before, when I said we didn't.
Tobias: I should have caught that, yeah.
Maeby: I could've spoken up, but I just wanted to see if you guys got there.
James Carr: Well, you guys seem like a great family.

James Carr: We have to be realistic. I'm in the real estate business. It's 2006. That's all good enough for me. We're gonna put you in a NINJA loan. "No income, no jobs, no assets." And you don't have to pay a penny for two years.
Tobias: Oh, NINJA, please! So we'll take something cozy and intimate. A one-bedroom.
Lindsay: Or bigger.
James Carr: Yeah, how about something nice? A three-bedroom?
Lindsay: Three does sound bigger.
Tobias: Oh, it definitely is.
Narrator: You have to remember that this was a time when banks were eager to create as much debt as possible.
Tobias: The five-bedroom, four-car garage.
James Carr: And I know that you guys are going to be okay with just one master bathroom, because a lot of people do prefer two. You know, they like to just have it.
Lindsay: Maybe separate, so we have it.
Tobias: So we have it. That way we have it.
James Carr: That way you have it.

Tobias: Do you think we really need one?
James Carr: I'm just gonna interrupt for a second. You don't need a wine cellar, if you want to do wine tastings in your butler's kitchen.
Lindsay: I mean, this really isn't what we discussed.
Tobias: Well, we didn't discuss any of this, but, uh, yes, I guess, that way, we have it.
Lindsay: Well, yeah...
James Carr: That way, you'll definitely have it.