‘Hand to God’
Season 2, Episode 12 - Aired March 6, 2005
Buster adjusts to life without his left hand after an incident in the ocean. Michael tries to learn the truth about Maggie Lizer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus).
Quote from Buster
Michael: Buster, it's okay. Doctor says you're gonna be fine. And if they can find the hand, they're gonna be able to reattach it. You know, like a transplant.
Buster: I'm fine. This is a blessing. And speaking of blessings, I heard there's gonna be a baby. [chuckles]
Michael: Oh, yeah, yeah. But please, don't worry about that. What's more important is that you're really doin' well with this, pal. My hat is off to you.
Buster: And my hand is off to you. [chuckles]
Quote from Buster
Buster: You obviously care about this Maggie woman, don't you?
Michael: Yes, I do. Of course I do.
Buster: I mean, a seal didn't bite your Linus off, did it?
Michael: No, a seal didn't bite my Linus off.
Buster: Good. Then go to her. Ask for her hand.
Michael: Yeah. And, uh, maybe I'll get one for my brother while I'm at it.
Buster: Yeah. Get him out of here.
Michael: Hmm?
Buster: Get him out of here! Get the [bleep] out of my room!
Quote from Michael
Maggie Lizer: You're not the father.
Michael: Come on.
Maggie Lizer: I went to a sperm bank, okay, the week before we even met. The father's some guy from Harvard, but that's all I know.
Michael: That's great. He's probably some geek Simpsons writer's kid.
Quote from Gob
Gob: Oh, what's the matter, Buster? Did you hurt yourself?
Buster: Uh, hi, Gob.
Gob: Oh, my God! What- What happened to your- He's got no hand!
Michael: Buster went swimming in the ocean and, according to him, a seal with a bow tie bit off his hand.
Gob: Bow tie?
Tobias: It's merely the playful mutterings of the shock victim. A seal would never prey on a human unless, of course, it had acquired a taste for mammal blood.
Narrator: Gob had recently dressed a seal in a bow tie and used him in a magic trick. When it failed, he released the seal into the ocean.
[flashback:]
Gob: You're back in the real world. You're not gonna be hand-fed anymore.
[present:]
Gob: How the hell would a seal know how to tie a bow tie anyway? I can barely tie the yellow one that I wear in my act.
Buster: This one had a yellow bow tie!
Gob: Really?
Quote from Gob
Gob: I did this. I think that the seal with the yellow bow tie might be the one that I released into the sea after giving it the taste for mammal blood.
Michael: Okay. You've got a better case than Mom does.
Gob: Still, I could hunt down that seal.
Michael: Well, they said if you retrieve Buster's hand, they might be able to do a transplant.
Gob: At the very least, I can remove that incriminating bow tie.
Quote from Lindsay
Narrator: And Michael told Lindsay about his commitment to Maggie and the child that wasn't his.
Lindsay: Well, first of all, I'm sure there are writers on The Simpsons who aren't geeks.
Quote from Lindsay
Michael: Where's your child?
Lindsay: I don't have a child, Michael.
Tobias: We don't have a child, Michael.
Lindsay: That's why we want-
Both: Oh.
Lindsay: Did you mean Maeby?
Michael: I did mean Maeby.
Tobias: Well, she's hardly a child, is she, Michael?
Lindsay: Yeah. And we know where she is. She's with her debate club, and they're on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals.
Narrator: She wasn't. And a Google search of the word "Sacremende" only came up with this.
Quote from Maeby
Narrator: And Gob caught up with Maeby and made a confession.
Gob: I think I'm responsible for Buster's hand.
Maeby: Yeah, and I'm responsible for an $80-million movie without an ending.
Gob: Yeah, I know those problems seem big when you're a kid, Maeby.
Maeby: Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it.
Gob: Thanks, Maeby. [walks away]
Maeby: Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Listen, you know, I would never date anyone without you being okay with it, right?
George Michael: Yeah, you don't have to do that.
Michael: Great, because I didn't do it this time. I- I kind of reconnected with that blind prosecutor I used to date, Maggie Lizer.
George Michael: Her? Didn't she turn out to not be blind though?
Michael: Exactly. But she's filled out a little bit.
Narrator: Michael hadn't seen her in eight and a half months during which she had filled out.
Michael: And it seems as if I'm the father.
George Michael: Do you know this for sure? I mean, she does lie. She might not really be pregnant.
Michael: See, that's what I thought. Boy, you really are my kid.
George Michael: Good.
Michael: Apparently, so is this one.
Quote from Michael
George Michael: Maybe it'll be exciting, you know? Be a big brother. It'll be fun.
Michael: There you go. It would be fun, wouldn't it?
George Michael: Big brother.Me.
Michael: Not gonna happen though. She doesn't want anything to do with me.