Michael: Gob, there's no need for violence. There never is. I'd like to think that we're all intelligent, mature adults that can settle their differences whenever they might come to light, through words.
Gob: Yeah, well, I let my fists do the talking. Not this one, 'cause obviously, I need it for coin tricks and stuff. But this one, I let it speak for both of them.

Buster: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted. That's what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight.
Michael: I think that was about being attacked by bears.
Buster: Yeah, I know.
[flashback to a guy in a bear suit approaching a young Buster:]
Guy: Hey, rich kid. Gimme your lunch money.
[present:]
Buster: But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today.
Michael: Well, you'd be a much bigger ball.
Buster: I mean, there is so much in life that I have not experienced. And now that I'm away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live. I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account. [giggles] I want to know what it feels like to get my face socked in.

George Michael: So, uh, I've been thinking about that, uh... that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from, and, uh... I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
Tobias: Yes, okay. Uh, well, have a seat. Uh... Um... When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually... When a man loves a woman and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her something very, very special happens. And, uh, with deep, deep concentration... and-and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec-
George Michael: I'm sorry. I'm gonna stop you. I know where you're running. l-I didn't mean babies in general.
Tobias: Oh, well, that's good, 'cause it was about to get a little, ick, gross.
George Michael: Yeah. No, I meant specifically with Maeby.
Tobias: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't right.
George Michael: I know. You're right. I'm sorry.
Tobias: No, no. It says it's a shower scene. I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene. It has nudity.
Narrator: Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Tobias: I don't do nudity. It says that right on my resume. Okay? What What do you think I wear these for?
George Michael: I was never actually clear on that.

Buster: Well, I would never, uh do this while you were still going out, but, uh if you're done with her, I'd sure like a crack at her.
Gob: [chuckles] Right, right. That sounds great. Go for it, buddy. But you know that she's kind of used to being with me, right? So, it'd be sort of like going from prime rib to... I don't know, weird brother of prime rib. Do you even know her?
Buster: I met her. I fell for her. I've been watching her program, El Amor Prohibido, The Love That Is Forbidden. She is the love that's forbidden. The love of my hermano.
Gob: Wait a second. What? You know Hermano?
Buster: "Hermano" is brother in Spanish. As in, "Hey, hermano."
Gob: Huh. Brother? Hermano means brother?
Buster: Yeah.
Gob: Well, sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.
Buster: Well, this is what I said I wanted. So, all right. Let's get it over with. [chuckles]

Michael: [on the phone] All right, Mom. I'll be sure to tell Buster. Right. Bye. [hangs up] Mom wanted me to tell you that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in the blue sweater.
Buster: Damn! I hate the blue sweater.
Michael: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.
Buster: Damn it! She's right!

Michael: Don't worry. I'll turn it off. It's just my mother. She's probably worried about my Dad's... hearing.
Marta: Oh. With my Dad, it is the vision.

George Michael: You know, this family can be pretty screwed up sometimes. But the good news is...
Maeby: Actually, I used to think that, too, but it's better than the alternative.
George Michael: Well, have you explored all the alternatives? 'Cause I guess what I'm getting at is...
Maeby: No, but I'm glad I have this family, you know? 'Cause I know I said some bad stuff, but it's much better here than it was in Boston. And I have a cousin here. So even if my parents do get divorced, I have you, right?
Narrator: George Michael realized that no matter how much it upset him, he didn't want to take Maeby's family away from her.
George Michael: Yeah, you got us all right.
Maeby: Now all I need is a boyfriend.

Narrator: Lucille was left alone with her oldest son at the courthouse.
Gob: Just you and me, huh? God, why am I the only one who ever comes through in this family?
Narrator: And George Sr. was led into the courtroom.
George Sr.: Where the hell is everybody?
Gob: I'm here, Dad.
George Sr.: I can't believe no one showed up. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I should just stay in prison so my family can be free.
Lucille: Look, you're my husband, and you belong back at home with me.
George Sr.: Wow. You really love me.
Lucille: Call it what you want. I'm tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish.

Narrator: George Sr., having never heard his charges listed consecutively in one sitting, panicked and ran with great intensity.

Narrator: Barry, too, felt overwhelmed by the charges leveled against his client and also took flight.
Barry: What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence.
George Sr.: They'll never catch me!
[George Sr. turns a corner and opens a door]
Bailiff: Oh, good. We better get you back in your cell. It's gettin' kind of crazy out there.