‘Altar Egos’
Season 1, Episode 16 - Aired March 17, 2004
As George Sr. and the family consider a plea deal, Michael has a one night stand with a lawyer, Maggie Lizer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus). Meanwhile, Gob gets married to a woman he met at a bar (Amy Poehler), and George is once again visited by Cindi Lightballoon (Jane Lynch).
Quote from Michael
Maggie Lizer: So you didn't get a case of"I just had a one-night stand with a blind girl"-itus?
Michael: No, of course not. One-night stand? Please! [Justice runs off] This is our second date now. And I wanna see... And I wanna see you again tonight, so, um if it's a one-night stand, I'm not very good at it.
Maggie Lizer: But now, listen, aren't you busy with the trial?
Michael: Um, yes, of course. I'm very, very busy. But not too busy for you. Not too busy for a little walk right now maybe. I'll be your Seeing Eye dog. What do you think? Okay?
Maggie Lizer: Oh. Should we leave Justice here?
[Justice chases a woman with a stroller]
Michael: Um, yes. He'll be fine, won't you, boy? Huh?
Maggie Lizer: Justice, stay! Stay!
Quote from Michael
Maggie Lizer: Describe this to me, Chareth. Describe to me how beautiful the park is.
Michael: Oh, I wish you could see it. It's just beautiful. [reading the plea deal] There's an elderly couple walking hand in hand. They're having a wonderful time.
Maggie Lizer: Yeah?
Michael: "Already served, not to exceed six years but no less than three". Uh, three years is what I give them and then one of them dies and the other one is not too far behind.
[Justice cuts across the road in front of a roller-skater, causing him to fall]
Maggie Lizer: I can smell right through you, Chareth. You're reading.
Man: [shouts] Leash your dog, you-
Michael: Uh, yes.
Quote from Maeby
Maeby: I got an "A." Check it out. Great job. Take some more money. Look. I gotta go. I'm going to this fund-raiser for a sick girl, okay?
Narrator: This rang false to George Michael who knew that fund-raisers, a passion of her mother's, were something that Maeby would avoid.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Good afternoon.
Barry: Thank God. So did you read the plea? We've got minutes here, not hours.
Michael: I did read it. Most of it. Um, I definitely definitely read this, uh... the first part of this first, uh, section. Uh, no. Did not read it.
Quote from Gob
Michael: Why didn't you read it?
Barry: Excuse me. I got busy with my other clients.
Michael: What other clients?
Barry: He doesn't know about the divorce?
Gob: It's an annulment.
Barry: Oh, I looked into that too. You can only get an annulment if you haven't consummated the marriage first.
Gob: Well, I guess I'll just stay married then because we all know that I closed that deal, right?
Narrator: But he really didn't.
Quote from Narrator
Narrator: Yes, Maggie was the most feared prosecutor in all of Orange County.
Maggie Lizer: And, therefore, I would like to bring your attention to Exhibit A.
Narrator: Not because she was a particularly adept lawyer but because she won the sympathy not only of the jury and the judge...
Maggie Lizer: And was that man in the room, not you, Doctor?
Narrator: ...but often times, the defendants themselves.
Man: I... I was in that room.
Quote from Barry Zuckerkorn
Michael: You've got to call this off. You gotta get more time. Get more time. She can smell me. She smells everything. [runs out, chased by Justice]
Barry: Objection!
Judge Ping: What?
Barry: We haven't read it. It's very long, Your Honor.
George Sr.: Sit down!
Barry: We haven't read it. We're gonna get to it. I'm gonna start right now.
Quote from Barry Zuckerkorn
Gob: No, Michael! You can save this family. Please! Do the right thing here. String this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.
Barry: The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face and it can't even see you.
Michael: I gotta go talk to her.
Gob: Yeah, I better get back to the wife.
Barry: I think I'm going to take a scenic drive down to the City of Industry.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Oh, you're working?
Maggie Lizer: Yeah, I got a break. I wasn't prepared, thanks to you.
Michael: Mm.
Maggie Lizer: What about you? Don't tell me another pirate is still roaming the high seas. [chuckles]
Michael: Uh, hey. You know, let's make a deal. You don't have to do this anymore, cause I'm gonna start laughing out loud.
Maggie Lizer: Okay. That's gonna help me so much.
Quote from Michael
Maggie Lizer: Listen, I know I shouldn't do this, but... But I am so behind, and I really do feel as if I can trust you.
Michael: Yeah? What is this?
Maggie Lizer: Well, you ought to know. You can see. [laughs]
Michael: [fake laugh] Maggie! What is it? Seriously.
Maggie Lizer: Well, basically it's an overview of the government's case against the Bluth family. It's a summary of absolutely everything we've got.
Michael: And you're just going to give it to me?
Maggie Lizer: You're a lawyer. What do you think? Do we have a case?