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Altar Egos

‘Altar Egos’

Season 1, Episode 16 -  Aired March 17, 2004

As George Sr. and the family consider a plea deal, Michael has a one night stand with a lawyer, Maggie Lizer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus). Meanwhile, Gob gets married to a woman he met at a bar (Amy Poehler), and George is once again visited by Cindi Lightballoon (Jane Lynch).

Quote from Gob

Narrator: Michael came home upset that his one-night stand wasn't over.
Gob: You should have stayed with me last night. You could have seen me get some major action from a major blonde who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.
Michael: I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.


Quote from Lucille

Gob: You and Dad are getting divorced?
Lucille: Oh, don't worry, sweetie. No one is fighting over you. And don't worry about Barry reading the plea. We'll let your father rot in prison.
George Sr.: [enters] Take the plea. We're taking the plea!
Lucille: We're going to trial, you're going to lose, and you're going to stay in there.
Michael: That's enough, Mom.
Lucille: For him? Nothing's enough. You'd think a man locked up in prison would be able to abstain. Your father, with his disgusting tweaking! I couldn't breast-feed any of you kids because of that man!

Quote from Maeby

Maeby: So here's the test that I failed.
George Michael: Oh, okay. Yeah, I see the problem right away. You, uh... You got all the answers wrong. You know you, you even got your name wrong here. It says, "S. Funke."
Maeby: Yeah, well, see, what they want you to do is put an "S" if you're single, an "M" if you're married. I mean, most of us are all single, but it's a whole government thing, so... Yeah.
George Michael: Okay. So the first thing you want to do when you're dealing with fractions...
Maeby: Yeah. So I'm gonna go, okay? So just fill in all the right answers here, and I'll see where I went wrong. And you're getting paid for this right?
George Michael: There was talk of ice cream, but not exactly on my terms. [Maeby pulls out cash] Wow! Where did you get all that? Do you have a job or something?
Maeby: No, but you do. Now, look. Don't feel guilty. I don't really need tutoring anyways, okay? Enjoy the 200 bucks.
George Michael: Oh, there there's six 20s here.
Maeby: That's right.

Quote from Maeby

Narrator: And George Michael went to the fund-raiser for the sick student Maeby had mentioned but was surprised not to see Maeby there.
Teacher: We have been blessed to have in our midst a child who has shown us the meaning of courage. Now let's show her the meaning of charity. [applause] Please welcome Surely Funke!
Narrator: And that's when George Michael realized Maeby had been making money by pretending to be two twin girls...
George Michael: Maeby?
Narrator: of whom was ill.
Maeby: [coughs]
Boy: Somebody get her a cupcake!

Quote from Barry Zuckerkorn

Barry: Do not ask me how I did it. They offered us a plea bargain.
Michael: Really? There's a chance we don't have to go to trial?
Barry: Absolutely, and I say we take it because we will never get an offer this good again.
Lindsay: Wow.
Michael: Great. What's the offer?
Barry: Well, I didn't read it. I just got it yesterday. F.Y.I., I'm trying to get back into the dating world.
Barry: Hey, you're not one of those silly men that's dressed like a woman, are you?
Woman: No, baby. I'm the real thing. [Barry drives off]

Quote from Michael

Gob: You're going to read that?
Michael: Yeah.
Gob: It's pretty thick.
Lindsay: He thinks he's a lawyer 'cause he played one in 10th grade.
Narrator: In order to satisfy an English requirement, Michael appeared in the drama club's production of an original play, The Trial of Captain Hook.
Young Michael: [sings] You're a crook Captain Hook Judge, won't you throw the book at the pirate-

Quote from Tobias

Narrator: Lindsay recalled that earlier that day she had received a letter from the high school about her own daughter. And so later, Lindsay and Tobias tried a more hands-on approach to parenting.
Lindsay: We would like you to tutor our daughter.
Tobias: Now, of course, we're having a bit of a cash-flow problem, but I assure you if you bring our little girl's grades up, I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream you'll be the envy of every Jerry and Jane on the block.
George Michael: We're the only house on the block.
Tobias: Perhaps we should get somebody else.

Quote from Gob

Gob: This is a courthouse bar, Michael. These are professional, aggressive women who are looking for nothing more than a one-night stand. No real names, no promises.
Michael: I'm not a one-night stand kind of guy. I don't like lying to women.
Gob: These are lawyers, that's Latin for "liar."

Quote from Michael

Michael: Let me move down. I'm just working on this plea.
Maggie Lizer: If you're pleading with me to have a drink with you, you can stop begging.
Michael: No, no. It's a- It's a plea for this case that I'm- I'm sorry you want a drink.
Maggie Lizer: Well, I didn't come here for the view. I'll have a vodka martini.
Michael: I'll tell him.
Maggie Lizer: So, another lawyer, huh?
Michael: Vodka martini!
Maggie Lizer: I'm Maggie Lizer, as in "Maggie lies her ass off." [chuckles] One person laughed at that once, and I don't know why I keep trying it.
Michael: No, it's good.
Maggie Lizer: Yeah. What kind of law do you practice?
Michael: Maritime. Maritime law. Lawyers of the sea.
Maggie Lizer: Oh. Submarine chaser.

Quote from Michael

Maggie Lizer: What's your name?
Michael: Chareth.
Maggie Lizer: Chareth. Oh. So then what's your last name?
Michael: Cute story.
Maggie Lizer: Cutestory?
Michael: Yes. Chareth Cutestory.
Maggie Lizer: That's an interesting name.
Michael: Is it?

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