Michael: Destroying Tony Wonder is your sense of purpose? I thought you said, thanks to me...
Gob: Because he's performing at a gay club tonight, and I need you to act as my boyfriend to help me get in.
Michael: I'm gonna say no, thank you. And don't you think it's a little inappropriate? I am your brother.
Gob: You sound like my son.

George Michael: You had me come all the way here just to tell me my dad wants me to meet him?
Gob: No, those two things are unrelated. No, I'm here 'cause I'm trying to lock this guy Tony into this gay magic trick, and I just needed a believable arm candy bean. And don't make that face, you look homophobic.
George Michael: No, I'm not being homophobic.
Gob: Why are you doing this?
George Michael: I'm uncomfortable.
Gob: This is very important for me. Don't worry, you're blending in here perfectly.
Photographer: A newbie.
Gob: Except, even if he does post that somewhere, the Fakeblock thing will scrub it away.

Gob: [licks George Michael's hand] God, what is that inky taste?
George Michael: It's my stamp.
Gob: Oh, I'm so sorry about that.
George Michael: No, that's okay. I probably won't come back in. I'm gonna go see my dad.
Gob: Yeah, you are 'cause you're a good son. [kisses George Michael] Ow! Bit my tongue, that little bitch.
Narrator: Oh, no, he didn't.
Gob: They're always doing that.
Narrator: I mean, no, he didn't.
Gob: Thank you, George Michael. Honestly, I owe you big-time. Not a lot of nephews would do this for their uncles. Now get out of here. I never want to sleep with you again. I mean, I probably will. I don't.

Gob: Yeah, of course, mask. Yeah, that makes sense. I use a mask myself, in my act. But you have to tell me how you do that beanbag trick.
Tony Wonder: Well, I guess, since you're a magician, too. But not a word of this. I did use a mask. I put it on another guy, and then I was in the beanbag chair the whole time.
Gob: Oh... Oh... Well, that's why they put that sign on the beanbag chair that says, "Do not steal this"...
Narrator: And the magicians shared the secrets of their ancient and mystical craft.
Tony Wonder: And also it's very hard to get out of at the end, [normal voice] when I appear.

Gob: No, the marriage was unsuccessful. I guess you could say I was a runaway groom.
Tony Wonder: Well, makes sense now, doesn't it?
Gob: What do you mean?
Tony Wonder: Well, I mean, you are gay, right?
Gob: Oh, yes, right, yeah. Very. Because of what I'm dressed. And my boyfriend was here earlier. And he bit my tongue.
Narrator: And that's when Gob did a magic trick of his own.
Gob: Want to see?
Narrator: No, I believe you.
[After Gob takes a drink of water, blood clouds the glass]

Narrator: The next day, Gob shared his new plan with Tobias.
Gob: Good. Seems like you're done talking. I, too, am in a relationship, but mine is purely a revenge-based deal. I plan on making this person fall in love with me and then destroying them by breaking their heart.
Tony Wonder: How do you make someone fall in love with you? Can you pass the mustard, please?
Gob: Yeah. Oh, it's easy when you've got so much in common. Last night, for instance, we both got a case of the munchies, and then we went out and we stole these pies...
Narrator: As it turns out, they did a lot more than steal pies. They had a raucous good time.
Gob: And then the candy bean dish right here, we made those at Color Me Mine, and I know they're kind of cockeyed, but they remind us both of my crooked smile.
Tobias: Sounds like you're really into this girl.
Gob: Don't call me girl, friend. No, this is purely an act of revenge, filled with white-hot hate. I'd tell you on who, but this person is sort of a celebrity.

Narrator: Not wanting to appear desperate, Gob waited till late afternoon to continue his plan to make Tony fall in love with him.
Tony Wonder: [on voice mail] It's Tony. I'm not here right now because I'm right behind you. [Gob turns around] Made you look. But how did I know you looked? Because I'm right behind you! [Gob turns around again] Made you look again.
Gob: Tony, it's Gob. Man, does anybody ever fall for that?

Gob: Who wants to help me build a wall...
Man: Me!
Gob: ...to keep Mexicans out of America?
[men shout in Spanish]
Gob: All right, all right! Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason? It's a different wall.
[men shout in Spanish]

Gob: [answers phone] Would you get off my [bleep], Mother!
Tony Wonder: Well, if I wasn't sure you were gay, I am now. It's Tony.
Gob: Hey, Tony. Sorry I couldn't talk last night, but I'd really love to get together later. This week, or maybe Saturday, say, 5:00?
Tony Wonder: Great. I'm thinking Little Ballroom. Little Ballroom good? Or you sick of Little Ballroom?
Gob: I'll see you there.

Gob: Siri, where is the Little Ballroom?
Siri: I have three matches.
Gob: I'm gonna need the gayest.
Siri: Did you say "the grayest"?
Gob: [chuckles] I need the gayest one.
Siri: Did you say "the grayest"?
Gob: I need the gayest Little Ballroom!
Siri: Okay, Gob, try this one.