Jacob: Oh. Whose cat is this?
Mr. Johnson: I don't know, I just found him in here. He won't budge. Think I'll get some bacon from the lunch lady, try to lure him out.
Jacob: Cats are pescatarians!
Mr. Johnson: You're telling me this cat believes in God?
Jacob: What... N... Let me show you how it's done, okay? Come here. Come here little Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
Mr. Johnson: His name is Milton.
Jacob: Okay. I'm pretty sure nobody would ever name a cat "Milton."

Jacob: I just don't think you're supposed to give milk to cats.
Mr. Johnson: Every cartoon says you can.
Jacob: Cartoons... Milk propaganda at its finest. Did you put any more thought into getting him microchipped?
Mr. Johnson: Why? So Bill Gates can sign him up for a credit card he doesn't need?

Mr. Johnson: I lost three precious diamonds in the fire. And a Ferrari. Not sure if the time is right, but I think we should talk insurance.

Mr. Johnson: Accident schmaccident. I smell arson. Ask any of my exes. It's always arson. I blame Waiting to Exhale.

Captain Robinson: Can anyone tell me the three leading causes of fires in schools?
Mr. Johnson: The CIA.
Captain Robinson: No.
Mr. Johnson: Too close to the truth, huh?

Mr. Johnson: Legacy is important. That's why my picture's hanging on the Wall of Flame for eating 50 spicy chicken wings at Wing Bowl.
Janine: Wait a second. That is you up there? I always thought that was Michael Jordan.
Mr. Johnson: I get that a lot. The only difference between that MJ and this MJ is I can hit a curveball.

Mr. Johnson: Now turn around. I gotta wand you, son. [imitating wand buzzing]
Man: Is that a curling iron?
Mr. Johnson: Can't be too careful.

Gregory: How would I even get into the FBI?
Mr. Johnson: The same way you got into the notoriously hard-to-break-into landscaping industry... nepotism.
Gregory: You want to work in landscaping?
Mr. Johnson: Of course. I love nature. I'm a master forager. My specialty... mushrooms.
Gregory: I don't know how to leave this conversation.
Mr. Johnson: Eddie Lawn and Care doesn't even roll off the tongue. Mr. Johnson and Eddie Landscaping on the other hand? Now, that's a company you can trust.
Gregory: Okay, well, if I don't take the gig, I'll be sure to put in a good word for you.
Janine: Oh, see you, Gregory. Goodbye, Mr. Johnson. You know what? I'm just realizing I don't know your first name.
Mr. Johnson: When you get home tonight, look up in the sky. It's written in the stars.
Gregory: He on one today.

[aside to camera:]
Mr. Johnson: I like the news, because that's when I can say whatever I want and nobody asks any questions.
[Mr. Johnson walks into the staff lounge as the teachers watch TV:]
Mr. Johnson: Taking a personal day. Going fishing with my friends. Anyways, toilet paper's in the closet.

Janine: Look, this is the man I'm going to marry.
Melissa: Janine, when people get married, they try a lot of cakes.
Mr. Johnson: Have you had two slices of cake at one time? I can tell you, when I was at the Olympic Village...