‘Desking’
Season 1, Episode 11 - Aired March 29, 2022
The teachers at Abbott Elementary try to get to the bottom of the latest viral trend: desking. Jacob brings his boyfriend Zach in to help with the investigation.
Quote from Mr. Johnson
Mr. Johnson: I can catch one of 'em. Haven't done this kind of fishing in a minute. Let's go.
Gregory: I didn't volunteer.
Mr. Johnson: A stakeout needs two people. Think, boy. Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff while the other one eats a hoagie?
Gregory: I...
Quote from Jacob
Jacob: Zach has been so great during all of this.
Janine: I know.
Jacob: He can get a little obsessive, but...
Janine: Well, so can you.
Jacob: Me? No. No, Zach calls me "lovingly over-passionate."
Janine: ... You know what? That's wonderful.
Quote from Mr. Johnson
Gregory: You remember what you were talking about?
Mr. Johnson: Nope.
Gregory: [chuckles] About having a lot of jobs. You ever have an experience where you wanted a different job than the one you were at? You liked the one that you were at, but since it's not the one that you thought you wanted, you're a little conflicted?
Mr. Johnson: If you think I'm some sort of Black Yoda... Hmm, then correct you would be, Padawan. You got to be open for what life brings you. If I'd kept aiming for that one job I wanted so much when I was your age, you'd be looking at a very unfulfilled operations manager at Uncle Bradley's Baked Beans. Damn, I wanted that job.
Gregory: Must have had some good benefits.
Mr. Johnson: And a ladder straight to the top.
Gregory: Yeah.
Mr. Johnson: But, hey, without that rejection, I never would have found out the stuff that I love.
Gregory: Yeah, man. I really wanted to be principal. [chuckles] Then it didn't happen and... and now I think I'm mad.
Mr. Johnson: You got plenty of time, youngin'.
Quote from Ava
Ava: Oh, there you are, Jacob. My auntie's dog needs her sweater back. [laughs] Got 'eem.
Quote from Jacob
Jacob: And I told my neighbor, I said, "If you call on a native tree, they are gonna rip it out without so much as even consulting an arborist." And the hilarious thing about all this...
Ava: Nope.
Jacob: [to Gregory] The hilarious things is, the number for 311 isn't even 311...
Gregory: Jacob, please. Stop. I'm sorry. It's not you.
Jacob: Not me. "Jacob, stop" could have meant, like, any Jacob.
Gregory: It's just, I had the whole, um, principal job as my only goal for a while, and finding out that that's not happening anytime soon has got me thinking about a lot.
Jacob: No. I get it. Yeah, not in the mood for a story. Got it.
Janine: [enters] Hey. You guys want to hear something weird?
Jacob: Janine, read the room. We are not in the mood for that.
Quote from Ava
Ava: Oh, my God! There's hundreds of these! This is horrible!
Janine: This can't be what's happening here, though, right? I mean, our kids respect us too much. [Melissa laughs]
Barbara: Someone could really get hurt here.
Ava: I've already been hurt. I know about every Internet trend. How did I not find out about this?
Quote from Ava
Janine: Okay. It doesn't look like anything I can find online.
Ava: When's your shoe guy get here?
Jacob: Uh, he is on his way.
Melissa: So this Zach, he lives with you?
Jacob: Yeah. He just moved in last month.
Melissa: And that's going well?
Jacob: Yep. He's so great.
Ava: So he knew you and was like... more?
Quote from Ava
Zach: If this was a small adult sneaker, it increases the make and model options significantly.
Jacob: He's so smart. [chuckles] We came in 3rd at trivia night last week over at Oscar's. You know, down by Rittenhouse. We were eliminated on a technicality, but Sri Lanka, if you didn't know...
Zach: Honey, where is this story going? Are we focusing on the task at hand?
Jacob: Mnh. No, we're not. I'm so sorry. Please continue.
Melissa: Did he just stop Jacob from being... himself?
Ava: Can we put him in glass and break in case of emergency?
Quote from Mr. Johnson
Melissa: I like him.
Barbara: Mm.
Melissa: Still don't know how he lives with Jacob. You think his neck gets tired from all the nodding?
Mr. Johnson: [nods] Mm-hmm.
Quote from Melissa
Melissa: Look, Stefon, I get it. I was a kid once. But you and I both know this is gonna end, and when it does, you don't wanna be the one left holding the bag. 'Cause that's exactly what's gonna happen when your friend over there starts talking.
Ava: I bet she ratting you out right now like a little Fredo Corleone.
Melissa: So I would talk if I were you. 'Cause you don't want me sending you over to Ms. Teagues and Mr. Hill. I don't think you'd like what's going on in that room.