TV Quotes

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Rachel: And hey, just so you know, it's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception'. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Frasier: Listen, Tom, you know I must confess I'm a bit concerned. Um. I'm delighted to have you as a fan, I really am. But the whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives, and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours. I just... There should be more to life than... There should be more.
Tom: Yes, but as you always say, "Life is most fulfilling when spent in the pursuit of one's passions."
Frasier: Yes, but as I've also said, "Weave the tapestry of your life with many diverse threads."
Tom: Ah, yes, but you added, "Make sure to weave the pattern that pleases you most."
Niles: "Weave the tapestry with diverse threads"?
Tom: Yes, Frasier said all of these things, and many others. He is a genius. Would you like some guacamole?

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Chandler: Where you going, Joe?
Joey: For a walk.
Chandler: You mind if I join you?
Joey: Actually, I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural?
Joey: All right, fine. I only have one thought. It's about the hot nanny. I gotta see her.

Blanche: Well, what do you think we should we do?
Sophia: It's not for me to say. But I'll tell you a story. Picture it: Miami, 1987. A house, the only one in the neighborhood without a pool. But I digress. Four women, friends. They laugh, they cry, they eat. They love, they hate, they eat. They dream, they hope, they eat. Every time you turn around, they eat.
Rose: Sophia, are those four women us?
Sophia: Look in the mirror, blubber-butt. The point I'm trying to make is, what's going on here is living. Just because you have some rough times doesn't mean you throw in the towel. You go on living. And eating.

Ross: Hey, Joe, did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: Look, Ross. I think Carol's great, and I'm sure you're a very attractive man, but-
Ross: No. The reason I'm asking is that, I sort of had one last night.
Joey: You?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Wow. All right. So? Was it amazing?
Ross: It was ... okay.
Joey: Just okay? Did you do it right?
Ross: Look, it's just, did you ever go to a party and think: "Would anyone really miss me if I weren't here?"
Joey: Huh. But still, Ross. Your worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day.
Ross: Oh, no. Absolutely. Yeah. It's just my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey: Oh. But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross: Not really. Just Carol.
Joey: Not the other one?
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away.
Joey: Yeah, you don't want that. But hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff.
Ross: Oh, I saw a lot of stuff.
Joey: You get a little bored?
Ross: A little. Made a snack.
Joey: Yeah? What'd you have?
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey. A little mustard.
Joey: Sounds good.
Ross: It really was.