Sally: So you think I'm ready to go out in the field?
Chaz Montana: Yes, we're ready to throw you in the deep end: dinner and then a Gordon Lightfoot show at the Rutherdome. The station's got a luxury box.
Sally: Okay. Gordon Lightfoot. Um, okay, I know just what I'd ask him. Um, ahem. Mr. Lightfoot, you've been in the music industry for over three decades. Given the recent changes in music distribution via the Internet, would you rather be attacked by a bear or a bear with a gun?

Attendant: Okay, I'm showing two seats to Gordon Lightfoot at the Rutherdome.
Dick: Oh, thank God!
Attendant: Last row balcony.
Dick: Last row balcony? Don't you have anything closer?
Attendant: Only some scattered singles.
Dick: Oh, well, then I guess I'll take the balcony seats.
Attendant: [computer beeps] Sorry. The balcony seats are gone.
Dick: Gone? Then I'll take the singles.
Attendant: [beep] Oh, now they're gone. We're sold out.
Dick: How can that be?
Attendant: I'm not the only ticket maestro, dude.
Dick: You're not a ticket maestro at all!

Dick: Don't you have anything?
Attendant: [beep] I've got a two-for-one special for The Ice Capades, same night at the War Memorial.
Dick: Ice Capades. My treasured relationship hangs in the balance, and all you can offer me are washed-up Olympians, some of them not even medalists, mincing around on the ice with a bunch of fuzzy cartoon characters?
Attendant: They're going fast.
Dick: Two, please.

Sally: Oh, listen, Chaz, I was wondering. Um, if I really nail this whole news thing, do you think I could get a job on The View? Because I've watched that show, and I could kick the crap out of any one of 'em. Well, maybe not the big one.
Chaz Montana: Sally, I don't mean to brag here, but I happen to know the lady finder over at The View.
Sally: Really?
Chaz Montana: Yes, absolutely. I mean, inside connections are everything in this business. And along those same lines, I got you a corsage.
Sally: [gasp] Hey! A pin-on flower! This is like something Barbara Walters would wear.

Harry: Oh! Oh! Oh! Dick, I'm the 29th caller!
Dick: Shut your pie trap, Harry. I just lost tickets because I was rude to Sally! What?!
DJ: [on radio] All right, we have Harry Solomon on the line. Are you ready?
Dick: Yes, I am.
DJ: [on radio] Okay, Harry, for two tickets, what was Gordon Lightfoot's first American single?
Dick: [stammers] I have no idea.
Harry: If You Could Read My Mind, Love.
Dick: Oh, now, don't get all tender now, Harry.
DJ: [on radio] Correct! If You Could Read My Mind! Just bring your photo ID down to Will Call, and the tickets are yours.
Dick: You mean I won?
DJ: [on radio] You won all right. And now less talk, more Lightfoot.
Dick: I won!

Dick: Harry, quick, where's the tickets?
Harry: I sold 'em!
Dick: But I need those tickets.
Harry: Well, you shouldn't have told that guy you weren't coming.
Dick: I never told anybody I wasn't coming.
Harry: Well, Dick, that's just bad planning. If you're not coming, you always gotta tell somebody.

Mary: What's wrong?
Dick: What's wrong? What's wrong is me. I've failed you, Mary. I've ignored your needs. I've belittled your passions. I've neglected you and thought only of myself. But all of that changes... right now! [rips up Ice Capades tickets]
Mary: What are you doing?
Dick: Mary, I would like nothing more than to walk into this concert right now, settle into my cushy front row seat, and let the nostalgic sounds waft over me. But that's not what you want.
Mary: Yes, it is!
Dick: No, you think it is, but I know you, Mary. What you really want is to recapture the excitement of years ago when a young and rebellious Mary Albright risked it all... by sneaking into her first Gordon Lightfoot concert.
Mary: Oh, Dick. We were young, and there was a war on.
Dick: Come on, wild child.
Mary: You want us to sneak in?
Dick: No. You want us to sneak in. Come on, Mary. Crouch with me in the darkness and filth. Let's see Gordon Lightfoot the way he was meant to be seen... through the grimy slats of a heating vent. What do you say?
Mary: Let's do it!

Dick: You know, I really learned something tonight.
Harry: Mmm? To put others first?
Dick: Well, yeah. And that Mary can climb a drainpipe. Now that I know that, we'll be going to a lot more concerts.

Dick: I'm sorry that gopher thing didn't work out, Harry.
Harry: Oh, well, it's okay. Actually, this reporter hired me to dig up some dirt, so tomorrow I'm gonna be a mole.
Sally: See? Now that I could see.

Chaz Montana: Hey, maybe he could be a gofer.
Sally: A gopher?
Chaz Montana: Yeah, every station's got one.
Harry: Every station's got a gopher?
Marty: Yeah, yeah. You'd be surprised at how useful they can be.
Harry: Oh, yeah, yeah. I can see that.