‘Will Work for Dick’
Season 2, Episode 22 - Aired May 4, 1997
After an offended Nina quits as Dick's secretary, he hires Harry to fill the role. Meanwhile, Sally wants to make up for her missed childhood.
Quote from Harry
Dick: Harry, I hired you to replace Nina, but instead she's turned you into her sassy doppelganger.
Harry: Is that right?
Dick: That's right.
Harry: Well, you know what?
Dick: What?
Harry: I'm not taking it anymore. The carnival is leaving Dicksville. I quit!
Dick: You can't quit, Harry. You're fired.
Harry: [screams] No!
Quote from Harry
Dick: I'm sorry things didn't work out, Harry, but best of luck in your future endeavors.
Harry: Okay, see you tonight.
Quote from Dick
Mary: Dick, I think your phone's ringing.
Dick: [runs into secretary's room and answers phone] Dick Solomon's line. Who's calling?
Mary: [on the phone] [Southern accent:] This is Luella from the Dean's office. Please tell Dr. Solomon we need copies of all past purchase orders for the past 18 months.
Dick: Uh, uh, purchase orders? Uh, yes, I dropped them off this morning [hangs up] "You never dropped those off, you liar!" "How do you know? You weren't even there." "I can tell just by looking at you." "I can't work like this." "Obviously not." "Such mistrust!" "Well, get out, then!" "Fine, I will!"
Quote from Dick
Mary: Not so easy, is it, Dick?
Dick: On the contrary. All I have to do now is take Dr. Solomon's exam to his 10:00 class. Well, there's only one here. I have 30 students.
Mary: Well, that's funny. They usually duplicate themselves. No, wait. Nina always made the copies.
Dick: Oh, Nina made the copies, huh? Then I can make the copies. I'll just take this paper and walk out this door and turn to the, uh...
Mary: The right.
Dick: Yes, I knew that. And then walk right into the, uh...
Mary: Third door on the left.
Dick: Don't patronize me.
Mary: It says Xerox on it.
Dick: Obviously.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Okay. I put this under here, press this, enter the number "30," and start. Piece of cake. [printer beeps] "Paper jam"? Okay, fine. I just press this, open this, remove the paper, and press this and "start." [printer beeps] "See key operator." Well, that's me. I'm operating the keys. Me! Damn you! I'm going to press "cancel." Is that what you want? 'Cause I'll do it. I'll press it. Stop it! Damn you! I'm going to beat you with your own toner cartridge!
Quote from Sally
Dick: Sally, I am so sorry I missed your recital.
Sally: Yeah, you did. Thanks, Dick.
Dick: It's my pleasure. What for?
Sally: You've given me the most precious gift of all: emotional baggage. Thanks.
Dick: You're welcome.