Mary: Does this mean you've come to your senses, and you're going to apologize to Nina?
Dick: No, I will never come to my senses. I don't need Nina. I don't need Harry. I don't need anybody. From now on, I'm going to be my own assistant. [Mary's phone rings]
Mary: [answers phone] Hello. Yes, I'll be at the seminar. I don't know about Dr. Solomon. Hold on a second.
Dick?
Dick: Transfer it to my assistant, please.
Mary: Okay.
Dick: [runs into secretary's room and answers phone] Dr. Solomon's line. Who's calling, please? Uh, I'll ask him. The seminar? Yes. I'll ask him and get back to you this afternoon. [hangs up] [answers phone] Dr. Solomon's line. Who's calling, please? Hold on, please. I'll transfer you. [runs back into office and answers phone] This is Dick Solomon. How can I help you? No, no, no, you want Dick Sullivan in the English department. Transfer you? I'm already doing the job of two men. Next time, pick up a phone book, you moron!

Sally: Gypped. All I wanted was a normal childhood, but Dick just couldn't let me have one. I felt so humiliated.
Tommy: I bet when you looked out into that audience and you didn't see Dick there, you just felt like your heart was torn out.
Sally: Yeah.
Tommy: And you felt betrayed and alone.
Sally: Uh-huh.
Tommy: And now you're probably pretty much damaged for life, and you'll never trust anyone ever again, right?
Sally: Exactly.
Tommy: Yeah. Well, congratulations, Sally. You've just taken your first step into childhood.
Sally: I have?
Tommy: Yeah. And now you take all this emotional damage and let it feed your adult neuroses.
Harry: And the best part is that if you ever kill a guy or balloon up to 400 pounds, you get to blame Dick.
Tommy: Yeah.

Dick: I'm sorry, Harry. I thought I didn't need anyone. I thought I could do everything by myself. It turns out I was wrong. I do need someone, just not you.
Harry: Well, it takes a big man to admit that. I guess it just goes to show you, you can't work with your family.
Tommy: But, technically, we're not a family. We're more like co-workers.
Dick: Well, it just goes to show you can't work with your co-workers.
Tommy: Isn't that the motto of the postal service?

Nina: Can't this wait until tomorrow?
Dick: No, Nina. You're paid to do my bidding.
Nina: I was never paid to work for you.
Dick: What?
Nina: I am Dr. Albright's assistant. When you showed up, they doubled my workload, and the only raise I got was the privilege of working for you.
Dick: I think you're starting to take that privilege a little for granted.
Nina: You know, you're right. I don't deserve you. I quit.

Mary: Nina, you can't quit. I need you.
Dick: Let her go! I guarantee you'll never work in this town again.
Nina: Oh, I'm still working for Dr. Albright. I'm just quitting you.
Dick: Oh, no. No, no. No, that's not how it works. We're a package. You quit one of us, you quit us both. Isn't that right, Mary?
Mary: See you in the morning, Nina.
Dick: Ha!

Mary: Ballet! On my recital night, I felt like Cinderella. Of course, I looked like one of the hippos in Fantasia.
Nina: Yeah, me- No, I- I looked cute.

Dick: Harry! My pencils are dull.
Harry: Well, talk to Dr. Albright instead. She's riveting.
Mary: Thank you, Harry.
Dick: Sharpen these. That's eight pencils at seven seconds each. And I want a progress report typed and on my desk in 50 seconds. Now go, go, go, go, go, go!

Nina: Harry?
Harry: Oh, not now, Nina. I'm on a deadline.
Nina: Don't you think Dr. Solomon's making some unreasonable demands of you?
Harry: Oh, don't be silly.
Dick: Harry! Pee in this cup. I want to see if you've been eating my mints.
Harry: It's fine. Dick's just trying to whip me into a first-class assistant.
Nina: Look, next time he starts to get on your case, you tell him to talk to the hand. Talk to the hand.

Sally: Look at me. Look at what I learned in ballet.
Dick: Oh, good. They taught you to squat. Money well spent.
Sally: It's not a squat. It's a plie.
Dick: What's a plie?
Sally: A French squat.

Sally: Harry, come watch me practice!
Harry: Sorry, Sally. I have to sit here and silently glare at Dick.
Dick: Am I going to have an emotional outburst, or are you?
Harry: You just did.
Dick: I did not!
Harry: Ah-ha!