‘Will Work for Dick’
Season 2, Episode 22 - Aired May 4, 1997
After an offended Nina quits as Dick's secretary, he hires Harry to fill the role. Meanwhile, Sally wants to make up for her missed childhood.
Quote from Dick
Mary: Does this mean you've come to your senses, and you're going to apologize to Nina?
Dick: No, I will never come to my senses. I don't need Nina. I don't need Harry. I don't need anybody. From now on, I'm going to be my own assistant. [Mary's phone rings]
Mary: [answers phone] Hello. Yes, I'll be at the seminar. I don't know about Dr. Solomon. Hold on a second.
Dick?
Dick: Transfer it to my assistant, please.
Mary: Okay.
Dick: [runs into secretary's room and answers phone] Dr. Solomon's line. Who's calling, please? Uh, I'll ask him. The seminar? Yes. I'll ask him and get back to you this afternoon. [hangs up] [answers phone] Dr. Solomon's line. Who's calling, please? Hold on, please. I'll transfer you. [runs back into office and answers phone] This is Dick Solomon. How can I help you? No, no, no, you want Dick Sullivan in the English department. Transfer you? I'm already doing the job of two men. Next time, pick up a phone book, you moron!
Quote from Tommy
Sally: Gypped. All I wanted was a normal childhood, but Dick just couldn't let me have one. I felt so humiliated.
Tommy: I bet when you looked out into that audience and you didn't see Dick there, you just felt like your heart was torn out.
Sally: Yeah.
Tommy: And you felt betrayed and alone.
Sally: Uh-huh.
Tommy: And now you're probably pretty much damaged for life, and you'll never trust anyone ever again, right?
Sally: Exactly.
Tommy: Yeah. Well, congratulations, Sally. You've just taken your first step into childhood.
Sally: I have?
Tommy: Yeah. And now you take all this emotional damage and let it feed your adult neuroses.
Harry: And the best part is that if you ever kill a guy or balloon up to 400 pounds, you get to blame Dick.
Tommy: Yeah.
Quote from Tommy
Dick: I'm sorry, Harry. I thought I didn't need anyone. I thought I could do everything by myself. It turns out I was wrong. I do need someone, just not you.
Harry: Well, it takes a big man to admit that. I guess it just goes to show you, you can't work with your family.
Tommy: But, technically, we're not a family. We're more like co-workers.
Dick: Well, it just goes to show you can't work with your co-workers.
Tommy: Isn't that the motto of the postal service?
Quote from Nina
Nina: Can't this wait until tomorrow?
Dick: No, Nina. You're paid to do my bidding.
Nina: I was never paid to work for you.
Dick: What?
Nina: I am Dr. Albright's assistant. When you showed up, they doubled my workload, and the only raise I got was the privilege of working for you.
Dick: I think you're starting to take that privilege a little for granted.
Nina: You know, you're right. I don't deserve you. I quit.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Nina, you can't quit. I need you.
Dick: Let her go! I guarantee you'll never work in this town again.
Nina: Oh, I'm still working for Dr. Albright. I'm just quitting you.
Dick: Oh, no. No, no. No, that's not how it works. We're a package. You quit one of us, you quit us both. Isn't that right, Mary?
Mary: See you in the morning, Nina.
Dick: Ha!
Quote from Mary
Mary: Ballet! On my recital night, I felt like Cinderella. Of course, I looked like one of the hippos in Fantasia.
Nina: Yeah, me- No, I- I looked cute.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Harry! My pencils are dull.
Harry: Well, talk to Dr. Albright instead. She's riveting.
Mary: Thank you, Harry.
Dick: Sharpen these. That's eight pencils at seven seconds each. And I want a progress report typed and on my desk in 50 seconds. Now go, go, go, go, go, go!
Quote from Nina
Nina: Harry?
Harry: Oh, not now, Nina. I'm on a deadline.
Nina: Don't you think Dr. Solomon's making some unreasonable demands of you?
Harry: Oh, don't be silly.
Dick: Harry! Pee in this cup. I want to see if you've been eating my mints.
Harry: It's fine. Dick's just trying to whip me into a first-class assistant.
Nina: Look, next time he starts to get on your case, you tell him to talk to the hand. Talk to the hand.
Quote from Sally
Sally: Look at me. Look at what I learned in ballet.
Dick: Oh, good. They taught you to squat. Money well spent.
Sally: It's not a squat. It's a plie.
Dick: What's a plie?
Sally: A French squat.
Quote from Harry
Sally: Harry, come watch me practice!
Harry: Sorry, Sally. I have to sit here and silently glare at Dick.
Dick: Am I going to have an emotional outburst, or are you?
Harry: You just did.
Dick: I did not!
Harry: Ah-ha!