Dick: You'll only have to perform the most basic of tasks. You've sent out mail before.
Harry: Nope.
Dick: Well, you've stapled before.
Harry: I have not.
Dick: Well, surely you've used a paper clip.
Harry: Oh, you mean those cotton things you put in your ears?
Dick: Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?
Harry: Two.
Dick: You're hired.

Harry: So, Dick, you know what I overheard at the water cooler?
Dick: What?
Harry: That there's this weird guy hanging around the water cooler.

Dick: Harry, get out here. Now! Why is my out box full?
Harry: Because the mail just came in.
Dick: Well, why did you put it in the out box?
Harry: Because it came out of the mail.
Dick: And why is my letter to the Dean in the inbox?
Harry: Uh, well, the Dean won't be back till tomorrow, but once he's in, the in goes out.
Dick: Harry, things in the out box are going out.
Harry: Well, why don't we just get one big box? That way we'll put everything in there. I mean, that's 50% less box.
Dick: That's not how it's done. Harry, anyone with half a brain could do this job. What is your problem?
Harry: Dick?
Dick: Yes.
Harry: Talk to the hand.

Dick: Harry, I have great news. You're going to be my new assistant.
Harry: Whoa! Assistant High Commander Harry. I knew this day would come.
Dick: No, no, no, Harry, my office assistant. You'll find me to be an easy person to work for. My demands are simple. Simply someone who understands that working for me is in and of itself a reason to live.
Harry: Well, it seems like I should be paying you.
Dick: I considered that, Harry, but it's impossible. You'll be making virtually nothing.

Mary: Hi, Harry. What are you doing here?
Harry: I work here.
Mary: Oh, you're Dick's new assistant.
Harry: Yes, sir, I'm the new guy. You know, at first, no one likes the new guy. People are threatened by the new guy, but other people are secretly attracted to the new guy.

Nina: Oh, I always had Barbie tea parties.
Mary: Oh, Barbie. [scoffs] Blond hair, tiny waist, legs up to her neck. Who grows up to look like that?
Nina: Yeah, who?
Sally: Yeah, who?

Dick: Nina! This needs to go out right away!
Mary: What's so urgent, Dick?
Dick: It's the phone company survey. I'm very satisfied with my service. Nina! Mail this.
Nina: I'll do it on my way out. I've got a blind date.
Mary: Well, that's exciting.
Dick: Why, is he driving? It doesn't matter, anyway. You'll have to cancel. We have too much work to do.
Nina: Why now? You haven't done any work in two days.
Dick: I know. And now I'm paying for it. If you want, you can invite your blind date here and tell him it's a disco, but that's the best I can do.

Dick: Harry, did I get any phone calls?
Harry: Oh, yes. It rang repeatedly.
Dick: And, um who called?
Harry: Well, I don't know, Dick. I'm not clairvoyant.
Dick: Of course not. But I'm sure you filed my midterms.
Harry: No. But I did pre-lick all your stamps. And I have placed them here on your filing cabinet for your convenience.
Dick: Nice work, Harry. Now, when I want to mail a letter, I'll just steam, scrape, and tape.

Sally: Tommy!
Tommy: [o.s.] I'm not coming out.
Sally: I want to play Barbie.
Tommy: I feel like Tommy Longstocking.
Sally: That's what I was going for. Now sit down. You're Ken. Okay, Ken, so what do you want to do today?
Tommy: Hmm, nothing that involves bending my knees or elbows.
Sally: Okay, well, have a great day at work.
Tommy: I will. And while there, I'll earn 25% more than you because I'm a man.
Sally: That's not fair. I'm going to sue you in Malibu Dream Court.
Tommy: Don't get your mink in a bunch, precious.
Sally: Okay, well, now you're talking down to me. So now I have to rip your head off.

Dick: Hold it right there. There's going to be some changes around here, Harry. From now on, your desk will be your girlfriend. Her name will be Lucille. She will be the only woman in your life.
Harry: Dick, I don't like you like this.
Dick: I don't want you to like me because liking leads to loving, and loving leads to reproduction , and nobody reproduces with me! Understood?
Harry: Yes, sir.
Dick: Now get some sleep. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to whip you into shape.
Harry: Okay, but don't touch the face 'cause I'm a pretty man.