TV Quotes

Don: Sally, I really took your advice to heart. So I went down to the station and I made some changes.
Sally: You volunteered for the anti-gang unit?
Don: I'm opening a muffin shop!
Sally: What? Don, that's ridiculous. You were meant to be a cop.
Don: Only in your dreams. Whenever I was at work, I was scared. But whenever I'm around muffins... not so much.
Sally: Dick, get in here and tell Don what you were gonna tell him!

Harry: So it turns out that Sam and Samantha were the same person. Why are the crazy ones always attracted to me?

Harry: Okay, I got it. Here we go.
Dick: [o.s.] Sally! Harry! Sally! [enters] I have terrible news!
Sally: Dick, get in the picture. [all pose]
Dick: I didn't know our camera had a self-timer.
Harry: What's a self-timer?
Dick: Oh, for God's sake, never mind.

Mary: Dick. Hi! How are ya? Good to see ya!
Dick: Hello. How ya doin'? Everything okay?
Mary: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Mind if I come in?
Mary: No, no. Why- Why- Why would I?
Dick: Well, I guess you shouldn't. You are my girlfriend, aren't you?
Mary: Sure am. Have been for a long, long time. I've been good to you.

Dick: Mary, were you talking on the telephone? [picks up receiver]
Mary: No, no, no.
Dick: There's no dial tone. H-Hello? Nina! No, e-everything's fine here. Yeah, like it always is here. Tell her, Mary.
Mary: Just like he says, everything's fine.
Dick: [quietly] Don't worry, I'll take care of her. [hangs up] So, I, uh... I guess you were talking on the phone, huh? [stuttering] T-To Nina.
Mary: Yeah. [laughs] Yeah. I guess I forgot. [laughs]
Dick: You forgot, huh? [both laugh] Oh, well, this sure has been a normal day for us, huh? [laughs] I'll see ya!
Mary: Yeah, bye!
Dick: I'll drive safely!
Mary: Yes, please! [both laugh]

Harry: I'll take over from here, Rico. Name?
Sam: Sam.
Harry: [writes] Sam. Was your boyfriend one of the robbers, Sam?
Sam: I don't have a boyfriend.
Harry: Doesn't have a boyfriend.

Sam: [v.o.] Hello!
Harry: Oh, it's 7:00. That must be Samantha. She's the posh one. But I think she might be the most naughty. Sam! It's you! You're early!
Sam: Well, maybe a little bit. Is that a problem?
Harry: [looks around] No! Not at all. Here! Let me show you around. This is the living room. This is the kitchen. And this is the bathroom. Here ya go. [Sam yelps] Why dontcha go in there. [closes door] Oh, great. Now I have to go to the bathroom.

Harry: [shrieks] Samantha! You're here, too.
Sam: Too?
Harry: To... eat in the kitchen... where people always eat. Not in the bathroom. Where they hide. Stay calm.
Sam: Harry, is something wrong?
Harry: No, I'm havin' a great time. And so are you. Now, why don't you just sit here and count to 100. No reason.
Sam: Harry, where are you going?
Harry: To check on the ham. It's in the bathroom. It's an old family recipe. [knocks on bathroom door] Sam, quick, you gotta get outta here.
Mrs. Dubcek: [enters] Harry, I didn't see anybody.
Harry: That's because you missed her! Now, come on. I want you to go in the bathroom and sneak Sam out, okay? I think the other one might be hotter, anyway.

Dick: Sally, she loves that we're aliens. And she loves the secret. She thinks it's sexy.
Sally: Dick, as Security Officer, I have to take care of all security breaches. Any human who knows our true identity must die. Now, those are the rules, and I'm stickin' with 'em. [Don walks in]
Dick: Okay. Fine. You're right.
Sally: Okay, that's very mature.
Dick: Big news, Don. There's something you should know about Sally, Tommy, Harry, and me.
Sally: Okay, fine, fine! [whispers] I won't kill her. But this conversation is not over, mister.
Dick: Thank you.

Sally: I still can't believe Don traded in his badge for an apron and a whisk. I'm just really worried he's giving up his calling.
Dick: Now that Mary knows about us, we should invite her up here to muse with us about the earth.
Sally: Oh, this day just keeps getting better and better.