‘The Physics of Being Dick’
Season 3, Episode 21 - Aired April 15, 1998
Dick is disappointed when he learns Tommy asked Officer Don to talk at his school's career day and not him. Meanwhile, Sally works as a research assistant for Mary, and Harry gets a job as a bartender.
Quote from Dick
Dick: This is outrageous! I'm wise. I'm revered. And I work damn hard! Who do you think puts food on the table?
Sally: I put it there.
Tommy: I'm going with America's farmers.
Harry: There's food on the table?
Dick: Oh, now, stop it. If you people think it's so easy, why don't you get a job and work for a change? [exits]
Sally: I'm glad that was a question and not an order.
Dick: [o.s.] It's an order!
Harry: Well, I'm glad it's an order and not a direct order.
Dick: [o.s.] It's a direct order!
Sally: I'm glad it's a direct order-
Dick: [o.s.] Go get the want ads!
Quote from Sally
Sally: Well, I'm looking for work. There were some sweet gigs on the Pendelton research board, but I don't know which one to do. Like here, I can get 50 bucks if I let them rub solvents in my eyes.
Mary: Oh, Sally, that- That's not good.
Sally: Really? Well, I could sign up for the hornet sting study, but I didn't bring a swimsuit.
Nina: Dr. Albright is looking for a research assistant.
Sally: Really?!
Mary: Uh, yes, but it's just grunt work. I mean, it doesn't pay hornet study money.
Sally: Oh, that's okay. What do I have to do?
Mary: Uh, well, I'm giving a talk next week at the faculty club. Some Bolivian professors will be there, and I'm going to be discussing the culture of the Aymara Indians.
Sally: And I'm your date?
Mary: No. You're my fact checker. You just go to the library and make sure all my information is accurate.
Nina: Hmm, I would've gone with the hornets.
Quote from Harry
Harry: You know how they say if you really want a job, it'll just fall right in your lap?
Bar Owner: Uh, no.
Harry: And how desperation is the surest road to success.
Bar Owner: I never heard that.
Harry: Why do they say those things? Why?
Bar Owner: I'm not sure they do.
Harry: I fell for the lies. Pounded the pavement, and now here I am. And there are no jobs for guys like me.
Bar Owner: You know, I've been looking for a new bartender for a while now.
Harry: Do you mind, buddy? We're talking about my problems now.
Bar Owner: I'm saying I need somebody to start today.
Harry: Uh, yeah. Well, I guess you're out of luck.
Bar Owner: Why, what do you got going on?
Harry: I'm looking for a job, brainiac!
Quote from Harry
Man: But, hey, that's my boss. I just can't please him.
Harry: Well, what are you gonna do?
Man: Exactly. I just can't win.
Harry: Well, what are you gonna do?
Man: You said it. You know, I got a family to think about.
Harry: What are you gonna do?
Man: Hey, you know you're right. Tomorrow, I'm going down there, and I'm gonna tell him what he can do with his job. Harry, thanks for listening.
Harry: Hey, what am I gonna do?
Quote from Harry
Dick: What is wrong with this world? You dole out moonshine to a roomful of boozehounds and everybody loves you, while I shape young minds with the elegant laws of physics, and what do I get? Nothing.
Harry: Here's the deal, Dick. Around here, a guy can't even give peach schnapps away. But you put it in a pineapple glass, add a little umbrella, call it a shooter, I can't make 'em fast enough.
Dick: Harry, that's brilliant. You're saying I gotta give physics a little razzle-dazzle, right?
Harry: Okay.
Dick: Of course. This is the nineties. Kids want what's cool. They want the latest, the here and now. They want the Fonz!
Harry: Ayyy! What are you gonna do?
Dick: I'm going to career day!
Harry: All right! You do that! What an idiot.
Quote from Mrs. Dubcek
Mrs. Dubcek: Harry, did some joker put my number up on the men's room wall?
Harry: Oh, I don't think so.
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, be a doll and put it up there, will ya before that big guy with the beard takes a leak?
Quote from Sally
Sally: I went through it with a fine-tooth comb. This baby is gold.
Mary: Great. What about the population of Circuata? I was just guessing on it.
Sally: That was a guess? You nailed it!
Mary: Well, I've always been pretty good with trends in that part of the hemisphere.
Sally: Listen, I gotta tell you, after reading Dirkson, your stuff was refreshing. But substantial, like, uh, Gatorade, but with meat in it.
Mary: Sally, let me buy you lunch. We can go to the Oak Room.
Nina: The Oak Room?
Mary: You deserve a treat.
Sally: Well, I spent the day with your speech. I think I've had my treat.
Nina: Dear god!
Mary: They have chocolate cheesecake. Of course, I should probably just apply it directly to my thighs.
Sally: [laughs] That's, oh, so funny!
Quote from Dick
Dick: Step right up, kids, and meet the girls of physics. Each and every one of them a bundle of mass and energy.
Boy #1: Are you really a licensed bikini inspector?
Dick: Uh, kind of. I'm a physics professor, you understand? Now, friends, let me tell you about a little thing called physics. You know what makes a car go fast? Physics. And you know what makes a curve ball curve? Why, physics! And you know what's got me standing here instead of floating out the window like a puff of smoke? Inertia, with a capital "I." That rhymes with pi, and that starts with "p," and that stands for physics.
Quote from Don
Don: [enters] I'm sorry I'm late, kids, but I was involved in one of the world's scariest police chases.
Boy #1: How'd it end?
Don: The guy got away.
Boy #2: Oh!
Don: But I rolled my car.
Boys: Cool!
Boy #2: Oh, man, I want to be a cop.
Don: It's not all glamour, kids, but it's mostly glamour. Oh, and, uh, guns.
Boys: Cool!
Quote from Harry
Tommy: Dick, I told you, you shouldn't have come to career day.
Dick: Oh, when we first came to this planet, I could've gotten any job. Cowboy, rock star, international superspy. Why did I choose physics?
Harry: Dick, you know what they say. When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.