Dick: Oh, Mary, you remember, uh... Stone. Stone Phillips.
Mary: Oh, God, no.
Big Giant Head: You're the attractive, mature one. Would you do a cartwheel for me?
Mary: You're an ass.
Big Giant Head: If it's one as magnificent as yours, I thank you.
Mary: You're still an ass!

Dick: So, your awesome bigliness, to what do we owe the honor of your arrival?
Big Giant Head: The last time I was in Rutherford, I sired an heir.
Dick: With Vicki Dubcek, uh-huh.
Big Giant Head: Whoever. Point is, I've come to take him back to groom him for his future throne.
Dick: What a fine idea. Long live the royal line-
Big Giant Head: Oh, shut up. Do me a cartwheel.
Dick: What?
Big Giant Head: A cartwheel! [Dick attempts a cartwheel] That was sucky. [pulls out bra] Oh, by the way, this harness belongs to your assistant.

Tommy: Sally, are those new boots?
Sally: I'm sorry, Tommy. I tried, but this damn patch doesn't work!

Dick: Come on! [all sing] Across the void we come a-warping Across the fields of stars we soar We pledge to war and mapping
Big Giant Head: Stop it! I hate that song.

Dick: Sir, Mr. Head, wouldn't you like to see your son and heir?
Big Giant Head: What the hell is that?
Dick: That's your son, sir.
Big Giant Head: My son? My son's a leader, a warrior. This thing is covered in snot.
Tommy: Well, it's six months old, sir. That's normal for an Earth baby.
Harry: Yeah, but if it makes you feel better, the size of his head is the talk of the mommy and me group.

Big Giant Head: That's my boy.
Vicki Dubcek: No, that's my boy.
Big Giant Head: Well, if it isn't... who are you?
Vicki Dubcek: I'm the woman you knocked up and then abandoned, you rat!
Big Giant Head: Oh, that's you. You look...
Vicki Dubcek: Less trashy. Yeah, I know. Hey, baby. Hey, sweet little boy. Look at my sweetie. Come on, little Eric Travis. I don't want you anywhere near this itinerant sperm donor.

Big Giant Head: When I saw that woman holding my baby, my heart filled with joy, my stomach got all tingly. What's going on?
Tommy: It sounds like you're in love, sir.
Big Giant Head: Love? Love? Yes, love. Yes! I love her. She loves me. We've never been happier.
Dick: Unfortunately, no, sir. She despises you.
Big Giant Head: Then you have to make her love me.
Dick: Me, make her? I don't think I can.
Sally: Of course you can, Dick. I mean, come on, you made Albright fall in love with you.
Tommy: Yeah! When we first got here, she hated your guts. And now, for some reason, she sleeps in your boxers.

Big Giant Head: If you can't figure out a way to make Vicki Dubcek love me, I'll pull you off this mission and send you to Mars.
Dick: Oh, well, Mars is not so bad.
Big Giant Head: Not that Mars!
Dick: No!

Sally: I did it, okay?
Tommy: Good. Good. Now your Bank of Columbus card. Bank of Taiwan card, Bank of Crete card.
Sally: Not my Bank of Crete card.
Tommy: Bank of Crete!

Big Giant Head: Did you get that information I asked for?
Dick: Uh... right. About that, sir here's the thing I can't make Vicki fall in love with you. What you're asking for is impossible. There are thousands of reasons that humans fall in love with each other, and each one is as special as all the others.
Big Giant Head: In other words, you've failed.
Dick: Largely, yes.
Big Giant Head: Prepare yourself for immediate deportation.
Dick: No.
Big Giant Head: Yes. I'm sending you eighth class, where all they serve is a disgusting snack, and you have to eat it!