Mary: Oh, don't tell me you still have that chain letter.
Dick: Well, it just so happens that I wrote a very important phone number on it.
Mary: I don't see any number.
Dick: Well, I wrote it very small.
Mary: Are we still on for the game tonight?
Dick: Well, sure, if you're up to it.
Mary: Oh, I'm fine. [chunk of the ceiling collapse on Mary]

Woman: Excuse me. How do you tell the difference between a 1/2 inch dowel and a 3/8 dowel?
Harry: You know, I've been getting this a lot lately. There's a standard rule of thumb. Okay, now, the 3/8 dowel fits perfectly in my ear. Whereas the 1/2 inch dowel does not.
Woman: Okay, thanks. [walks away without the dowels]

Dick: All right, everybody, clear your desks. All you will need is your examination and a number 2 pencil. You will have exactly one hour-- Uh, Leon, clear your desk.
Leon: Dr. Solomon, that's my lucky rabbit's foot. See, I really wanna do well on this test.
Dick: And a severed foot of a lagomorphic mammal increases your chances of getting a good grade?
Leon: That's what I'm hoping for, yes.
Dick: Well, what about studying? That works for most people.
Leon: Not me. That's why I got this.

Mary: Sorry we're late. My carburetor caught on fire.
Dick: Uh, it was a tad strange. The car was turned off at the time.
Don: Wow, Mary. Looks like you've had a string of bad luck.
Dick: Well, she did throw out a chain letter.
Don: Ooh, that's bad news.

Dick: Mary, look out!
Mary: Oh, I caught a puck! I caught a puck! That is so lucky.
Dick: And I thought you had bad luck.
Mary: Oh, ho! You see, silly?
Dick: Oh, and I was so worried about this stupid letter. Look at this, Mary. I'm tearing it up. So much for this one. Good riddance. I mean, what are the chances of Mary Albright catching a hockey puck? [Mary is knocked out by another puck] Oh, no. It's the curse of the chain letter. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm doomed!

Dick: This is a disaster. What am I gonna do? I can feel the Andrew K. And Eileen B. Fleischman foundation grant slipping away!
Nina: I told you to send out that chain letter.
Dick: Nina, some of my students have lucky charms. Do those work?
Nina: Ooh, it couldn't hurt. Try to remember an item you had when something really great happened to you.
Dick: Like the day I met Mary?
Nina: Oh, yes, what did you have in your pocket the day you met her?
Dick: Lint. Lint! My lucky lint!
Nina: Your lucky lint?
Dick: Oh, damn! I let Harry play with it, and he lost it.

Don: Oh, don't sweat it, Tommy. It's just a harmless crush. Kinda like the one I used to have on Joe Namath. [off Tommy's look] It's not something I'm proud of.
Tommy: But it's not a harmless crush, Don. She's crazy about him. He's just more of a man than I am.
Don: Well, guys like us are always gonna lose out to guys like that. At least I can give 'em speeding tickets.
Tommy: Yeah, but what can I do?
Don: That's something you're gonna have to figure out for yourself, Tommy. That's part of what becoming a man is all about.
Tommy: You're just saying that 'cause you don't know how to help me.
Don: I'm dry.

Mrs. Dubcek: Hello, hello, hello. What are you doing?
Dick: Nothing. I'm in a run of bad luck, and I'm not setting foot outside this house without a lucky charm.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, really?
Dick: Yeah. You know, it's impossible to find rabbit's feet in this town. Oh, sure, you can get a whole rabbit, but don't tell the pet store what you're gonna do with it.

Man: Uh, excuse me. Where's the lawn-and-garden department.
Harry: You know what? I have no idea. Let's go find out, huh?
Man: Wait a second. Don't you work here?
Harry: No. Why would you think that?
Man: You got the orange shirt. I...
[As the man walks off, two employees in orange shirts walk up next to Harry]
Harry: What's going on with that guy? [to one] Take five. [to the other] You're fired.

Fordham: Dr. Solomon. Welcome.
Dick: Thank you for having me. [knocks on the door and wooden frame]
Fordham: Please come in.
Dick: Uh, yes, uh yes, of course. [walks only on the white tiles]
Fordham: Are you okay?
Dick: I'm fine.
Hamilton: We've read your paper, and we're quite excited to hear your presentation.
Dick: Uh, thank you. And I'm sure that a generous grant from, uh... [clears throat]
Mrs. Dubcek: [slurs] Okay, I'm coming.
Hamilton: Who is this?
Dick: This is my esteemed colleague Dr. Mamie Dubcek. [tugs on her ears] Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.
Fordham: Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Just one moment. [taps shoes and tongue repeatedly] Franks, beans, collard greens. [knocks on wood] Yes?
Fordham: On page 13 of your proposal, you suggest the behavior of super-
Dick: I'm sorry. I can't answer any questions on that.
Hamilton: You can't?
Dick: No, I can't answer any questions regarding page 13 or what I like to refer to as "the devil's page." [removes those pages] So, uh, if you are all open to said page, I will just collect them and rid the room of their demonic mojo. [dances] Andrew K. and Eileen B. Fleischman Foundation grant. Andrew K. And Eileen B. Fleischman Foundation grant. [spits in trash can]
Fordham: Dr. Solomon?
Dick: Yes?
Fordham: Do you really think this is any way to impress a panel of scientists?
Dick: [takes out Magic 8 Ball] All signs point to yes.