Mary: I like what you've done with your desk.
Evil Dick: Would you like me to do it to yours?
Mary: No. I like it messy.
Evil Dick: Bad girl. So, Dr. Albright, refresh my memory. Have you and I had sex yet?
Mary: Why, yes, I believe we have.
Evil Dick: How was it?
Mary: It was nice.
Evil Dick: Next time, it won't be so nice.

Tommy: This guy's such a hard-ass.
Sally: Hey, may I remind you that that hard-ass is our High Commander?
Harry: You're the weapons expert. Isn't there some way to get rid of him?
Sally: No, we're stuck with him. We can't just frag him with a grenade while he's taking a shower.
Tommy: But listen, showers accidentally explode all the time.
Sally: I didn't hear that, Soldier.
Harry: He said that showers-
Sally: Shut up!

Tommy: I miss the old Dick.
Harry: I miss the old Dick, too.
Sally: Well, missing him's not going to bring him back. I will admit that the old Dick's methods were a little different than this Dick, but it's not up to us to question his directives. Okay, he is in command, and that's that. He's... [sobs] He's just mean, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Harry: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're getting all wet.
Tommy: Stop. Stop leaking.
Sally: No, you're right, you're right. As Dick always used to say, never let 'em see you leak.

Evil Dick: Dr. Albright, dinner, my place, tonight.
Mary: Is that an invitation?
Evil Dick: No.
Mary: Well the cat thinks he has the mouse by the tail.
Evil Dick: Yes, but sometimes the cat likes to play with his prey before he goes in for the kill.
Mary: Well, the cat may have claws, but the mouse is quick.
Evil Dick: True, but the mouse will always fall for the cheese.
Mary: The cat likes a little cheese, too.
Evil Dick: And milk, and dead birds but he always licks himself clean.
Mary: You were asking me to dinner?
Evil Dick: Uh, yes.
Mary: I'll be there. [purrs]
Evil Dick: No, I'm the cat!

Harry: Isn't this beautiful? I mean, look at her, reunited with the birth mother she never knew.
Mrs. Dubcek: I love Ricki Lake. The other day, this woman finally came face-to-face with her stalker. And he was so sweet, she agreed to go out on a date with him.
Harry: Hmm, well, maybe if I went on that show, they would reunite me with Dick... Johnson. Dick Johnson. Little Dickie Johnson. Stop looking at me.

Evil Dick: Turn that rubbish off. From now on, we watch only golf.
Harry: But I was going to watch [voice quavers] The Jerry Springer Show. Transmission incoming from the Big Giant Head. Warning, warning! Danger, danger! Due to a clerical error, your High Commander may have been accidentally replaced by a disgruntled former employee of the Big Giant Head. He should be considered armed and extremely unpleasant. And remember, when you're thinking of giant heads, think of the Big Giant Head. Resume normal functions in three, two, one. [dances] All right, what was it?
Evil Dick: Wrong number.
Harry: Oh. [both laugh]
Evil Dick: Now shut up and get me that turkey baster!
Harry: [to himself] Why don't you make me get the turkey baster?

Dick: [v.o.] But I was summoned into the basement to meet my replacement. And here I am in this encasement. No. I must make an erasement. Ignoring all military protocol, he confined me in this invisible box.

Evil Dick: What's going on in that pan?
Sally: I'm cooking sausages.
Evil Dick: Those are links. I like patties.
Sally: I'm sorry, sir.
Evil Dick: Sorry won't do. Press that meat, Soldier. I like my links flat.

Evil Dick: Who ate my strawberries?
Tommy: What strawberries?
Evil Dick: I had a pint of strawberries in here with a note clearly marked mine.
Sally: I didn't take 'em.
Tommy: It wasn't me.
Harry: Man, them strawberries was good eatin'.

Harry: You know, I was this close to kicking his butt.
Tommy: Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna kick his butt, but, you know, I figured you'd do it.
Harry: Well, when he comes back, I'm kicking his butt.
Tommy: All right.
Sally: What are you guys complaining about, huh? I deserved his job. I should be High Commander. I have the seniority. I know the territory. So why wasn't I promoted, huh? Because I'm the woman. Once again, the woman was passed over.
Harry: You want me to kick his butt?
Sally: Harry, there's not going to be any butt-kicking, okay? He is High Commander. Like it or not, we're sworn to follow him. Anyway, maybe this mission could use a little discipline.
Tommy: Yeah, nice skirt, Tommy.