Man: [over PA] Welcome to the Rutherdome. Please rise for the national anthem, today being performed by...
[The Solomons stand up briefly and do a "Mexican wave"]
Sally: That's the most pathetic wave I've ever seen.
Dick: These people are playing a dangerous game. They've crested for far too long. Sooner or later, they've got to crash.

Harry: [hums "Star Spangled Banner"] I cannot get that song out of my head.
Dick: It is, without a doubt, one of the catchiest songs I've ever heard. As far as I'm concerned, "Achy Breaky Heart" is dead to me.
Harry: And now I can't get that song out of my head.

Dick: We're supposed to be American. We better get with the program or it's gonna look awfully suspicious. Tommy, you study the original documents that created this country and see what's there.
Tommy: Will do.
Dick: Harry, you cover anthems and American epic poetry.
Harry: Okay.
Dick: And you, Sally, I want you researching so much microfiche at the library, that you'll wish we we had an internet connection.
Sally: Sir, yes, sir!
Dick: Godspeed. [salute]

Sally: Do you think, like, you know, we need somebody to be in charge of equality? You know, just to make sure things stay equal?
Tommy: That's not a bad idea. Just a little extra paperwork, not much glory. But who?
Sally: Harry? You into it?
Harry: Me? I don't know.
Tommy: It'll look good on your resume.
Sally: Yeah.
Harry: Then I'd be the guy who's in charge of equality and teaches math to inner-city school children.
Sally: Harry, you don't teach math.
Harry: Okay, so I padded it.

Dick: Our family's a more recent arrival. So I guess we'll never be as American as you are.
Mary: Oh, no. You're missing the point. We're a land of immigrants. The Albrights founded America so that people like you who come from near and far could share in its freedoms and prosperity.
Dick: Is there such a thing as too far?
Mary: Of course not. Too many, maybe.

Dick: So we're the same. Two Americans. I've never felt this close to you as I do right now. What do you say we Americans slip into the copy room and declare independence from our pants?
Mary: Oh!

Dick: You know who'd I'd really like to sit down and spend some time with?
Mary: Who?
Dick: Canadian songstress Celine Dion.
Mary: Good, Dick.
Dick: That's right. I said Canadian. Who knew? I didn't. Because she's not one of those in-your-face Canadians. She's just a normal person like you and me, only... Canadian.
Mary: Good for her.
Dick: You know, I--I think the two of you would be great friends.
Mary: I'm sure we would.
Dick: Oh, Mary, do you mean it?
Mary: No. I don't know anything about her. I don't listen to her music.
Dick: So her shrill Canadian voice sounds tramp-like to you?
Mary: I do not have a strong opinion one way or the other.

Dick: Tommy, you have to help me. I need to become an American.
Tommy: Well, I'm finding America pretty oppressive these days. I think you're lucky to be a Canadian.
Dick: Oh, there's only one lucky Canadian, and his name is Peter Jennings.

Dick: Ahem. I'm, uh, here for my citizenship.
Mr. Barnes: You mean you're here to take the test?
Dick: Test? Oh, no, no, no. No, that won't be necessary. I think I'm exempt. I regularly "do" a woman with close ties to the Mayflower.
Mr. Barnes: Really?
Dick: Yes. The Mayflower. And yes do.

Sally: What the hell happened to this place?
Tommy: A revolution.
Harry: Tommy, did you see who did this?
Tommy: It was me! I wanna live in a place where I can be an individual, where I can express myself freely and pursue my own happiness.
Sally: You're gonna give up America for that?
Tommy: Don't you see? This isn't equality, this is conformity. The grand dream is dead.
Harry: Sally, I know that you've got some history with this fella.
Sally: What, me? No.
Harry: Then prove it. Take him out.
Tommy: Fine! Go ahead! Strike me down! But there are many more like me who will stand up to you, who will pick up the burning torch of freedom and hold it high in my place! And it's not a question of if or when someone picks up that torch, it's a question of who!
Harry: I will! I will pick up that torch.
Tommy: Sally, are you with us?
Sally: I will kill you both in your sleep!