TV Quotes

Dick: Excuse me. I have a special delivery package addressed to a... birthday girl.
Mary: Ooh, a video. Could this be a sexy video?
Dick: Could be.
Mary: Thirty Days to Thinner Thighs.
Dick: You know how you're always complaining about your chunky thighs?
Mary: Here's a... gift-giving tip, Dick. Jewelry says, "Our love goes on forever." Exercise videos say, "Your ass goes on forever!"

Judith: Oh, Mary, guess who's partnering up for the big Badger Day dance contest.
Strudwick: Me and Judith.
Mary: Oh, that'll be great.
Strudwick: We'll be practicing in my office, and we didn't want people to get the wrong idea.
Judith: I'm a very sexual person when I dance.

Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Dick: Tommy, how are you coming along with our histories?
Tommy: Oh, I have them right here. Legal documents, school records, doctored pictures, the works. Dick Solomon, class nerd, held back by a domineering mother, went to work for NASA in '74, but was fired after a minor procurement scandal. Newspaper clippings are enclosed. Major burnout led to a string of second-rate teaching jobs... yada, yada, yada, ending up here.
Dick: Well, this is excellent.
Sally: What about me?
Tommy: Sally. Stockbroker during the greedy '80s. Made and lost several fortunes before psychological problems and gender confusion led to a sex change operation in 1988.
Harry: I'm next.
Tommy: Harry. Harry, you're adopted, but we haven't told you yet.
Harry: Oh, that's gonna hurt.