TV Quotes

Harry: [on film] Yeah. There was a time in my life when I considered being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But in a situation like that, you really have to ask yourself, "Have I been offered this job?"

Mary: Remember that article I wrote last year, "Where's mommy?", dissecting the post-nuclear American family?
Dick: Oh, yes. About that tyrannical blowhard and his ridiculous relatives.
Mary: Uh-huh. Honey... that was about you.
Dick: You mean I'm Dirk Sullivan?
Mary: Yes. I've been observing your family for the past 4 years.
Dick: You've what?!
Mary: And the Fleischman foundation has given me a grant to make a documentary on the typical American family. Your family.
Dick: Finally, the recognition I deserve! We'll be glorified as the ideal American family.
Mary: Not ideal so much as typical.

Sally: Plus, we don't need him. I have a plan.
Don: You do?
Sally: Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and Harry'll just float to the top.
Don: What if they don't float?
Sally: Well... then they're witches.

Sally: All right. What have we got, Tommy?
Tommy: The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee. When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table. She also claims they were still wet.
Sally: Is this a fact, sir?
Mrs. Dubcek: He moved my stuff.
Sally: I am not talking to you.
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm saying, I went-
Sally: Zip it! Tommy... [clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
Tommy: The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Sally: Now, was it moist?
Man: It was damp.
Sally: Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.