TV Quotes

Dick: And while I was contemplating that thong, I wondered... who is the person that we would least suspect of poisoning the Colonel?
Inspector Macaffery: Will you sit down? You're stealing my part. I get to do this.
Dick: How many more people have to die because of your incompetence?
Inspector Macaffery: I do the summation after brunch, every Sunday. Read the damn brochure!
Dick: No! The least likely suspect is the person who, herself, was poisoned, but poisoned only to the extent that she lay sick in her room, above suspicion, away from the crowd, the perfect dose. And who knows more about poisons than an anthropologist? A toxicologist? Yes. But forget I just said that. That leads nowhere. No! Mary Albright killed Jack Wallencott and then in a fever of vengefulness, she killed my dear friend, Colonel Pinkham.
Mary: What the-
Dick: Yes, Mary. I could tell immediately you were jealous. You never expected the Colonel and me to forge such a bond. And if you couldn't have me, no one else could.
Mary: You can't accuse me of murder, you can only accuse the actors.
Dick: And which "actors" would those be, Mary?
Colonel Pinkham: If you had hips the size of that blonde woman, would you be wearing that skirt?
Mrs. Wallencott: Oh, darling, please. I wouldn't even leave the house. Ooh.
Dick: Colonel. You're alive. And Mr. Wallencott, you... you can walk! Wait a minute, you only pretended to die. None of this is real. This is all a scam! No, wait! You're all actors. This... is the show, right? Well, you were all marvelous.
Inspector Macaffery: And you, sir, are the reason I want to leave acting, and return to my first passion... drink!

Dick: Oh, this is horrible. A man has just been murdered, and everyone is calmly standing around eating sorbet. Obviously, these people have been completely desensitized by all the gratuitous violence they've seen on television and movies... especially the movies.

Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Dick: Tommy, how are you coming along with our histories?
Tommy: Oh, I have them right here. Legal documents, school records, doctored pictures, the works. Dick Solomon, class nerd, held back by a domineering mother, went to work for NASA in '74, but was fired after a minor procurement scandal. Newspaper clippings are enclosed. Major burnout led to a string of second-rate teaching jobs... yada, yada, yada, ending up here.
Dick: Well, this is excellent.
Sally: What about me?
Tommy: Sally. Stockbroker during the greedy '80s. Made and lost several fortunes before psychological problems and gender confusion led to a sex change operation in 1988.
Harry: I'm next.
Tommy: Harry. Harry, you're adopted, but we haven't told you yet.
Harry: Oh, that's gonna hurt.