TV Quotes

Mary: I don't have time. It's not that easy to erase the past.
Dick: Well, why would you want to erase the past? Think back, Mary. Don't you remember the romance?
Mary: The fighting?
Dick: The laughter?
Mary: The screaming?
Dick: The endless nights of lovemaking?
Mary: The endless parade of humiliations, interspersed with random acts of insanity!

Dick: Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for something light and understated, yet capable of catapulting me back into the snowy bosom of my true love.
Shop Owner: Ah. Chardonnay beaulieu?
Dick: Uh, no. Mary Albright.
Shop Owner: I'll look around for you.
Dick: Uh, be sure it goes with ham.
Harry: Better check the bottle, Dick. Some of this stuff's over a year old.
Tommy: Oh, Dick, this is so nice. Planning a surprise romantic encounter for someone who hates your guts.
Dick: That's where you're wrong, Tommy. Mary admitted that she still has feelings for me, which is why I must act quickly to regain her love and trust. Excuse me! Do you carry Spanish fly?

Mary: I'll tell you one thing.
Dick: What?
Mary: I made you earn it. That's Mary Albright! I don't just give it away. Anymore.

Sally: Plus, we don't need him. I have a plan.
Don: You do?
Sally: Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and Harry'll just float to the top.
Don: What if they don't float?
Sally: Well... then they're witches.

Sally: All right. What have we got, Tommy?
Tommy: The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee. When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table. She also claims they were still wet.
Sally: Is this a fact, sir?
Mrs. Dubcek: He moved my stuff.
Sally: I am not talking to you.
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm saying, I went-
Sally: Zip it! Tommy... [clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
Tommy: The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Sally: Now, was it moist?
Man: It was damp.
Sally: Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.

Dick: Oh, no where are my boobs?
Sally: I've got them!
Both: You're me!
Tommy: Dick?
Sally: What?
Harry & Tommy: Aah!
Dick: Oh, great.
Harry: What happened?
Tommy: The Big Giant Head just switched their bodies.
Dick: Wow.
Sally: Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous!