Harry: Aah!
Tommy: Why are you so jumpy?
Harry: Oh, I'm smack dab in the middle of Dying Is Deadly. Number 14 in the Anson Nembrook detective series. Oh, it's a gripper.
Tommy: I think August is cheating on me.
Harry: Why? Did she take out a big insurance policy on you and then have her lover cut your brake lines?
Tommy: I don't know what to do.
Harry: Well, don't ask me. I'm three days away from retirement.

Patty: Let's hear from our newest Fat-Loser.
Dick: Hello. My name is Dick, and I'm a Fat-Loser.
Mary: Sit down!
Dick: No. I have a lot to say. But I don't want to bore you all with why I'm here. I want to tell you why Mary Albright is here.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: You see, we were lovers once, but that's all over now. And she pretends that she's okay with it, but she's not. And so she's been trying to replace me with other men. Men like Oscar Meyer, Ben & Jerry and the Pillsbury Doughboy!

Sally: Oh, Dick, just be thankful you're a man. You know, I mean, you guys can get away with it.
Dick: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Sally: Oh, don't I? You know, the only time a woman is allowed to get fat is when she's pregnant, but she can't even enjoy it because she's barfing all the time and her boobs are turning into a restaurant. But men can balloon up to the size of a Volkswagen and still get dates.
Dick: Well, that's great!
Sally: Oh, not you, Dick. You're sloppy fat.