Tommy: Hey, Don, uh, I gotta tell you something.
Don: Can it wait, Tommy? I got a date with the FBI.
Tommy: Well, then, no. No, it can't. You see, uh, this is pretty funny. [chuckles] I actually think you're gonna laugh. It turns out that it was me who destroyed Old Man Sweeney's field all along.
Don: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Tommy: Well, it's no big deal. I was just trying to have a little fun, and so it went too far, you know?
Don: Oh? Is that so? Well, how do you explain the crop circle and the burn marks?
Tommy: Well, I... I was running laps with a flaming 2x4 dragging behind me. You see, I'm a teenager. I don't know any better. See ya.
Don: Not so fast, junior! There's one thing you can't explain. What's this?
Tommy: That? Well- Well, this is a- it's- it's a- it's a sling-a-rang. It's a toy. You know, you you throw it... [clunk] And- And it just lands there on the floor, you know? I'm sure you've seen the commercials for it on TV. You know, the little jingle. [sings] Sling-a-rang Sling-a-rang Pick it up And fling that thang.

Dick: So I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.
Mary: Dick, right now there's no way I'd even carpool with you.
Dick: Well... what if your car breaks down?
Mary: I'd rent.
Dick: What if there are no cars available?
Mary: I'd walk.
Dick: What? In the worst snowstorm in 50 years?
Mary: I'd take a bus.
Dick: You would never take a bus!
Mary: You're right. Then I'd carpool with you.
Dick: [closes door] Yes!

Sally: What are you gonna miss most about Janet, Dick?
Dick: Oh, I'm gonna miss the amazingly nutty complications she added to my life. Nothing, you idiot!
Sally: You know, Dick, we're all real sorry about Mary. Kind of.
Dick: Oh, I'm not worried. When we first came here, Mary hated me, and I won her over. I can do it again.
Sally: You really think so?
Dick: Of course. She won't be able to stay away for long, not with an album full of naked pictures of me.
Sally: She has naked pictures of you?!
Dick: Not yet. Harry, get the camera.