Sally: Dick, it's the end of the world!
Dick: Wait, wait. What's going on?
Sally: There's a terrible crisis. We were at the store, and the place was a madhouse. People were cramming everything they could into their carts, especially these giant balls of butter. I got one for each of us.
Tommy: I'm telling you, something is up. The radio said the airports were jammed with people trying to get out of town.
Dick: As a matter of fact, I just saw a report on a turkey ranch, and those birds were talking apocalypse.
Sally: Apocalypse?
Dick: Well, more like "apocalopolis."
Sally: What does this all mean?
Harry: Well, I have a thought-- we're all gonna die!
Dick: All right, let's not panic. Tonight we'll turn off the lights and hunker down in the kitchen. Tomorrow morning I'll make a run to the university and find out what's going on. Police and secure the perimeter!
All: What?
Dick: Lock the doors!

Dick: Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry about everything.
Mary: What?
Dick: Oh. The tension, the fighting, the lumpy gravy.
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: You give and you give and you give until you just can't give anymore.
Mary: Mmm. Same thing happens at my house.
Dick: This happens at your house?
Mary: Why should my house be any different than 99% of all the homes in America?
Dick: What about the other one percent?
Mary: Connecticut.

Vicki Dubcek: Hey. Excuse me. I'd like to add a little something, if I may. Uh, I just feel that this year I have so much to be thankful for. That thing under my armpit went away. And when I was working at Wal-mart and that big stack of boxes fell on me, well, I got workman's comp for eight months, and that's... that's twice as much as my normal salary, so guess you'd have to say that God has been very, very good to me. [sobs]
Dick: Let's eat!