TV Quotes

Tommy: Hey, Don, uh, I gotta tell you something.
Don: Can it wait, Tommy? I got a date with the FBI.
Tommy: Well, then, no. No, it can't. You see, uh, this is pretty funny. [chuckles] I actually think you're gonna laugh. It turns out that it was me who destroyed Old Man Sweeney's field all along.
Don: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Tommy: Well, it's no big deal. I was just trying to have a little fun, and so it went too far, you know?
Don: Oh? Is that so? Well, how do you explain the crop circle and the burn marks?
Tommy: Well, I... I was running laps with a flaming 2x4 dragging behind me. You see, I'm a teenager. I don't know any better. See ya.
Don: Not so fast, junior! There's one thing you can't explain. What's this?
Tommy: That? Well- Well, this is a- it's- it's a- it's a sling-a-rang. It's a toy. You know, you you throw it... [clunk] And- And it just lands there on the floor, you know? I'm sure you've seen the commercials for it on TV. You know, the little jingle. [sings] Sling-a-rang Sling-a-rang Pick it up And fling that thang.

Sally: What did they do to you?
Tommy: It was pretty scary. As a juvenile, I could've spent 200 hours cleaning up other people's trash on the highway.
Don: But I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I charged him as an adult.
Sally: What does that mean?
Tommy: I got a $40 fine.
Sally: Where'd you get $40?
Don: I paid it. Damn the system!
Sally: Thanks, Don. I owe you big.

Sally: Plus, we don't need him. I have a plan.
Don: You do?
Sally: Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and Harry'll just float to the top.
Don: What if they don't float?
Sally: Well... then they're witches.

Sally: All right. What have we got, Tommy?
Tommy: The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee. When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table. She also claims they were still wet.
Sally: Is this a fact, sir?
Mrs. Dubcek: He moved my stuff.
Sally: I am not talking to you.
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm saying, I went-
Sally: Zip it! Tommy... [clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
Tommy: The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Sally: Now, was it moist?
Man: It was damp.
Sally: Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.