Sally: Oh, I'm ready to take responsibility. Believe me, I can handle responsibility. No problem. Tommy, I'm hereby placing you under house arrest.
Ms. Koppel: Well, I just thought counseling-
Sally: Your rations will be cut in half. You will report to calisthenics at 0500, sharp.
Tommy: Could I be placed in a foster home or something?
Sally: I'm his mother. I'll handle him.
Ms. Koppel: I thought you were his sister.
Sally: Sister, mother, whatever.
Tommy: I think you're actually my aunt.
Harry: In our family, it's kind of hard to tell.

Harry: Well, what are we supposed to do? Dick is always here.
Sally: Wait a minute. Of course. This is a test.
Tommy: What?
Harry: For the next 60 seconds, she's going to emit a high-pitched tone.

Nina: What do you think you're doing?
Dick: Smoking.
Nina: Please don't smoke in front of me. I just quit a year ago.
Dick: Oh, you poor, misguided girl. Don't you miss it? The first cool drag in the morning, a relaxing smoke on the roof on a warm summer night. And if I ever have sex, I think I'm going to smoke afterwards.
Nina: Have you ever read the warning on the side of the pack?
Dick: Well, I'm not a fetus.
Nina: Those things will take 10 years off your life.
Dick: Yes, but that's off the end of your life, and those years are crappy anyway.
Nina: Well, there happens to be a policy here. Cigarettes are only allowed in university-sanctioned smoking zones. Take it outside.
Dick: All right, if you're going to be a big fetus about it.