Dick: Hello, fish. Look at you in there. What are you thinking? I know what you're thinking. Are you in the tank, or am I? Well, it's you, stupid fish. Here, I brought you some presents. A treasure chest filled with gold doubloons, a topless mermaid. Try not to stare. And, best of all, I brought you a new friend. I call her snowflake because she's soft and delicate. I thought you might like it if I read you a night-night story. It's called Tales of the Calypso: Secrets of the Ocean Deep. [French accent] "Slowly, so slowly, the day turned to night. The darkness taunts the light that dances in the depths below. Suddenly and without warning, danger strikes. Octopus, octopus, your children are dying." [whimpers]

Sally: Here, baby. What about this one? Where'd he go? [gasps] Oh, no! Hold on, baby!
Tommy: No, Sally, you can't!
Sally: Let me go! I've got to save him.
Tommy: Get a hold of yourself, man! It's a bottomless ball pit of death!
Sally: I don't care! That's my baby!
Tommy: No!
Sally: Oh! I've got him! I've got him.
Manager: Hey, lady, we only let children climb in the ball pit.
Sally: That is so sick.

Dick: Lieutenant, you look like hell. I mean the "locked in a car wash overnight" kind of hell.
Sally: Yeah, it's this baby. He ran me ragged all day.
Dick: Oh, that insolent little twerp. He's gone too far. Tomorrow I'm granting you a one-day furlough. Go into town. Get yourself a tattoo.
Sally: I can't. Tomorrow I'm taking the baby to the park, and then the zoo, and then I'm taking him golfing. I think he has real talent.
Dick: I don't understand. You sound like you're actually enjoying this.
Sally: I am. I mean, I know I complained at the start, but, Dick, this is the first assignment I've had where I really feel like I'm using all of me. It sounds crazy, but I cannot do enough for him. The more he needs me, the more I need him. [gasps] I have a great idea. Let's wake him up, then rock him back to sleep.

Dick: Morning, children. Hello, snowflake. Where's everybody else? Come out, come out! Why, snowflake, you're looking a little bloated. [gasps] Oh, my God! You bad fish! Bad, bad fish! Where's that brine shrimp? See? None for you!

Dick: Mary, you've come back early.
Mary: Oh, the conference was a disaster. I had to get out of there.
Dick: Are you sure that was a good idea? Maybe you should go back.
Mary: No. Besides, I missed you. Oh, I was so lone- Where's my fish?
Dick: Oh there's your fish.
Mary: That's not my fish.
Dick: Sure, it is.
Mary: You killed my fish!
Dick: No, I didn't! He did.
Mary: You jackass!
Dick: [to the fish] Yeah, you jackass!

Sally: I've decided to keep the baby.
Tommy: What?!
Harry: No!
Dick: You can't. He's not yours.
Sally: I'm willing to overlook that. He needs me. He's helpless.
Harry: And what am I?!

Dick: You can't keep him. They have rules about these things. They have laws about these things. They have TV movies about these things.

Dick: What was that all about? I thought you loved him.
Sally: I do.
Dick: Then why did you suddenly give him back?
Sally: I guess I love him enough to know that his real mom needs him more than I do. You know, when I couldn't find him, I went crazy. I couldn't put his mother through that.
Dick: Why don't you have one of your own?
Sally: [sighs] That would be great.
Dick: Why don't you go for it?
Sally: Yeah, right. And let this body go to hell?

Dick: Mary, we have to talk.
Mary: You have a dog.
Dick: Yes. Mary, I want everything to go back to the way it was before I killed your fish.
Mary: I'm afraid that's going to take some time.
Dick: I know what it means to lose something that you care about, and what I did was very, very wrong.
Mary: Why do you have a dog?
Dick: Well, I went to the pet store to buy you some new fish, and I saw this cute little guy.
Mary: Oh, Dick, I can't take care of a dog.
Dick: If you can love a fish, you can love a dog.
Mary: Well, he is kind of cute. Come here, boy.
[The dog tries to hump Mary's leg]
Dick: Oh, look at him. He loves you, Mary. He's so curious.

Sally: Permission to ask what the hell you just did.
Dick: I don't know. It's an opportunity to observe a brand-new human. And besides, you always said you wanted a baby.
Sally: Not this baby. I want one of my own, one I made from scratch.
Tommy: What's that smell? [all look at Harry]
Harry: Hey, I've been working out.