Dick: Why don't you tell your mother how you feel?
Mary: Oh, I can't. How can you tell your mother she's a terrible mother?
Martha Albright: [returns] This is a perfectly lovely restaurant you picked out, Mary Margaret. Thank you. Nice woman in the ladies room gave me this comb. There you go. Put it to good use.
Dick: So, Mary, first a toast to Martha. You are a terrible mother!
Martha Albright: What was that?
Dick: I'm sorry, that didn't come out quite right. To Martha, the worst mother in all the world.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: It's okay, I found a way to tell her. [silently] The toast.
Martha Albright: How dare you? I mean, really. How dare you? If this drink wasn't so bloody good, I'd toss it in your face.
Dick: Well, bring it on!

Dick: So, Martha, how are you enjoying your visit with our Mary?
Martha Albright: It's terrif. Quite a hostess, my little Mary Margaret.
Mary: Thank you, Mother.
Martha Albright: It's not every day you get to sleep on a mildewed metal cot.
Mary: I did offer you my bed.
Martha Albright: I know, I know, but it just didn't seem right. Little bit too much history there. Pumpkin, don't lean over your plate. This is a restaurant. You're not in a federal prison.
Mary: I could be. Real soon.
Martha Albright: Would you two excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back. Those Cape Cods go right through you.

Mary: I am in hell!
Dick: Oh, my poor Mary, I can't stand to see you like this, all miserable and freckled with breadcrumbs.
Mary: Oh. I dread these visits. It's psychological torture. I mean, this is the reason I was fat when I was a child. Food was my only friend.
Dick: Well, it's good to see you two have stayed in touch.

Mary: Dick, you will not have a fistfight with my mother!
Dick: It's okay, Mary. I'll use the open hand. Come on. Come on, Martha. Get out here.
Mary: Wait a minute!
Martha Albright: Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm leaving.
Dick: I'm telling you, Mary, it's the only way to settle this.
Martha Albright: You pissant! [kicks Dick and trips] Oh, my hip!
Dick: Waiter, we'll have an ambulance for the lady, and I still haven't gotten my salad.

Dick: Mary, you look like you've been up all night.
Mary: Oh, no, Dick. I had a very restful night with my mother in the hospital.
Dick: I was only trying to make things better between the two of you.
Mary: I know. But you just made things worse. Now when she gets out of the hospital she's going to have to stay with me.
Dick: Oh, I'm so sorry. Mary, I wish there was something I could do to make things right for you.
Mary: As long as Martha Albright is in my- my life, there's nothing any of us can do.
Dick: I'll find a way, my darling. For you, no sacrifice is too great. Oh, by the way, with all the ruckus at dinner last night, I accidentally over tipped. You owe me a fiver.

Dick: Excuse me, are you Martha Albright's doctor?
Dr. Schulman: Who are you?
Dick: I'm here on behalf of the Albright family. Sadly, we've decided it's best to to pull the plug.
Dr. Schulman: What? She- She just had a hip replacement.
Dick: Look, this is a quality of life issue.
Dr. Schulman: She's perfectly healthy.
Dick: No, not her quality of life, her daughter's.
Dr. Schulman: I'm calling security.
Dick: Oh, come on. It's almost ski season. You're gonna need the beds.

[Dick sneaks into Martha's hospital room and unplugs a cord]
Martha Albright: Who the hell unplugged my fan?
Dick: Hello, Martha.
Martha Albright: What're you doing here? The psych ward's on 6.
Dick: Good to see the morphine hasn't dulled the neurons where "mean" is stored.

Dick: The truth hurts, doesn't it, Martha? But there's no space-age titanium hip replacement to mend Mary's broken childhood.
Martha Albright: "Mary's broken childhood." Puh-lease. Mary was loved, Dick. Mary had a lovely home, Dick. Mary went to the best schools... Dick. We even bought her a pony when she was eight.
Dick: A pony?
Martha Albright: Yes.
Dick: Mary never told me that.
Martha Albright: And when she was a teenager, [gasps] what a handful. Do you know I had to lace her orange juice in the morning with crushed birth control pills.
Dick: So... So you made sure she got her vitamin C and kept her from getting knocked up? That is so caring.
Martha Albright: All right, I was hard on her. But I just wanted her to be the best Mary Margaret ever. I loved her, Dick. And I still do. I just love her.
Dick: I never realized there was another side to the story. The mother's side. Martha, from now on, you will want for neither gratitude nor affection, because, gentle Mother, I will tend to your every need.
Martha Albright: Oh, Dick. I have to go to the john.
Dick: I'll ring for the nurses.

Mrs. Dubcek: Hi, hi, hi. Hi. I'm sorry to be late. Another pharmacy is on to me.

Dick: I hope you're happy. You leave the receptor open, you didn't use precautions, and now look what you've got, another mouth to feed.
Sally: Wait a second, we don't wanna be saddled with him. We got our whole lives ahead of us.
Dick: You should've thought of that before you had your fun. 30 seconds of pleasure and a whole lifetime of responsibility.