Harry: Aah!
Tommy: Why are you so jumpy?
Harry: Oh, I'm smack dab in the middle of Dying Is Deadly. Number 14 in the Anson Nembrook detective series. Oh, it's a gripper.
Tommy: I think August is cheating on me.
Harry: Why? Did she take out a big insurance policy on you and then have her lover cut your brake lines?
Tommy: I don't know what to do.
Harry: Well, don't ask me. I'm three days away from retirement.

Sally: Oh, Dick, just be thankful you're a man. You know, I mean, you guys can get away with it.
Dick: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Sally: Oh, don't I? You know, the only time a woman is allowed to get fat is when she's pregnant, but she can't even enjoy it because she's barfing all the time and her boobs are turning into a restaurant. But men can balloon up to the size of a Volkswagen and still get dates.
Dick: Well, that's great!
Sally: Oh, not you, Dick. You're sloppy fat.

Patty: Let's hear from our newest Fat-Loser.
Dick: Hello. My name is Dick, and I'm a Fat-Loser.
Mary: Sit down!
Dick: No. I have a lot to say. But I don't want to bore you all with why I'm here. I want to tell you why Mary Albright is here.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: You see, we were lovers once, but that's all over now. And she pretends that she's okay with it, but she's not. And so she's been trying to replace me with other men. Men like Oscar Meyer, Ben & Jerry and the Pillsbury Doughboy!

Nina: Look at yourself.
Dick: No!
Nina: Look at yourself.
Dick: Who am I kidding? I'm huge! Oh, Nina! I'm doomed. Doomed to a life of forlorn pudgery. I'm gonna be referred to as "husky" and "jolly." People will nickname me "tiny," and they'll laugh and throw rotten fruit at my rear as I pass them in the streets!
Nina: Nobody does that.
Dick: Well, I do.

Dick: Why don't you just admit that you've been eating because you missed me?
Mary: Why don't you just admit that you've been eating because you missed me?!
Dick: Because I don't miss you!
Mary: Well, I don't miss you, either!
Dick: Are you as hungry as I am?
Mary: More.

Nina: I, uh... like your belt, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: This isn't a belt, Nina. It's a tie.
Mary: I think somebody's getting a spare tire.
Dick: Forget it, Mary. It's a little late to try to buy my affection with gifts.
Mary: I meant you've gained weight.
Dick: Why should I be concerned about gaining weight? My body is just the vehicle that carries my brain around, and my brain deserves a smooth, luxurious ride.

Harry: [v.o.] It was the end of a long day, and all I wanted to do was sit back, have a drink, and think about love's fury. I knew the dame was trouble the minute she walked in the door.
Sally: Did you drink all the milk again, you idiot?! Go back to bed!
Harry: [v.o.] My gut told me things were about to go from bad to worse.
[Sally removes Harry's hat and beats him with it]
Harry: [v.o.] I hate it when I'm right.

Sally: Hey, you guys. Look. Dubcek gave me a tomato plant. I'm gonna feed it, and in a couple of weeks, we'll have fresh, plump, juicy tomatoes.
Harry: Silly Sally. You can go down to the corner and get fresh tomatoes from Mr. Lee, and you don't have to feed him nothin'. He hates it when you even try.

Dick: Peanut brittle?
Nina: You know, Dr. Solomon, sometimes when there are changes in your life, you use eating as a way of filling that void.
Dick: Changes? Well, nothing has changed in my life. Well, except for the fact that Mary and I are no longer romping lustfully in pastures of delight, our writhing bodies eternally entwined, glistening like the morning dew. [eats]
Nina: Bingo.
Dick: [mouth full] Oh, poppycock! You don't see Mary gaining weight, and she's lost a lot more than I have! She lost me!

Tommy: I gotta know.
Harry: Okay, you talked me into it. I'll tail her for ya.
Tommy: Well, I could do that.
Harry: Oh, yeah, but she knows you.
Tommy: She knows you, too.
Harry: Well, yeah, but not intimately.
Tommy: Me, neither.
Harry: Really? Well, then why do you care?