Dick: Liam, Planet Monkey World is a fantastic idea, but it's missing something essential.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Now, don't say bluegrass music, 'cause that'll be covered at the Country Monkey Jamboree.
Dick: No. No, no, no. You're missing the real earth, like the happiness in a child's eyes when a loving parent tucks him in safe at night.
Sally: Or the wonder of two young lovers as they stroll down the beach, dreaming of what is yet to be.
Tommy: Or the quiet contentment of a couple in their autumn years as they sit and reflect on a life well-spent together.
Harry: Or hookers. Cheap, painted hookers.
Dr. Liam Neesam: I see. You're trying to make me feel something for humanity so I'll bag the whole Monkey World plan. Well, let me just check. No. Nothing.
Harry: Oh! Well, we tried. I guess I'm gonna go watch Arthur before Arthur turns into a monkey.

Dick: Liam, are you here to say goodbye? Want a hug?
Dr. Liam Neesam: No, no. I just came by to let you know that plans have changed a bit.
Dick: They have? How?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, I'm leaning towards going ahead with this Planet Monkey World thing again.
Dick: But- But what about last night?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, last night was beautiful! I felt things here I've never felt before in my life. It was absolutely wonderful. But I slept on it and... it doesn't really hold up, you know? So, Planet Monkey World is a go. I thought I'd start here at Pendelton. Have you got a campus map anywhere?
Dick: Oh! [sings falsetto] Once in your life you find her Someone who turns your heart around And next thing you know You're closing-
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, why run through all that Arthur nonsense? I think he's a terrible wanker.

Dick: [grabs a devolver] Aha! I've got you now!
Dr. Liam Neesam: That's not the real devolver. Do you think I'd be stupid enough to give you the real devolver? This is the real devolver.
Dick: Oh, it's beautiful. Can I see it?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Mm-hmm. [gives Dick a second devolver]
Dick: Aha! I've got you now!
Dr. Liam Neesam: I said, do you think I'd be stupid enough to give you the real devolver? The real devolver's in my pants pocket. Uh... see?
Dick: Are you sure that's the real devolver?
Dr. Liam Neesam: What?
Dick: Well, you said it was in your pants pocket, but then you got it out of your jacket pocket.
Dr. Liam Neesam: So I did. Well... That's rather embarrassing. I seem to have lost track of the real devolver. Um, do either of yours say "real devolver" on the top there in yellow letters?
Dick: No. I don't think so.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, that's funny. [Dick tries on devolver and throws it in the trash] Well, how on earth did that happen? [Dick tries the other and throws it away] Where's the other one? I took the label off and I put it in the...
Dick: Do you want me to hold that one for you?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Yes. [hands Dick the third devolver] Um... Oh, I remember! I took it out of the fridge and I put it in there, 'cause I had my wallet in my pants pocket, so it's in... It's in the... [sees Dick aiming the devolver at him] Oh, could I have that? [Mary enters]
Dick: Stay where you are. Goodbye, Liam.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, I say!
[Dick uses the devolver to transform Dr. Liam Neesam into a monkey. Mary gasps]

Dr. Liam Neesam: Stop worrying. I didn't come all the way to earth for your sloppy seconds. And since you're an alien, I can explain it to you. You see, I'm using Mary as a cover for my master plan to devolve all human beings into monkeys.
Dick: Oh! Oh, what a relief! I thought you were here to sleep with my lady. [chuckles] Uh... What was that about monkeys?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, I'm here to devolve all human beings into monkeys, you see, and then turn the earth into a giant theme park called Planet Monkey World.
Dick: Planet Monkey World? Why, that's appalling! How can you do this? I weep for humans! Has Mary agreed to this?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Yes, although she doesn't know all the details, like the end of the world, et cetera.
Dick: I'm sorry, Liam, but I'm telling Mary about this right now.
Dr. Liam Neesam: In that case, I shall be forced to tell her that you're an alien.
Dick: That's not fair! You've had more time to think this out than I have!
Dr. Liam Neesam: [points to drink] This is awfully good, you know.

Mary: No! Stop! Please don't kill him! Liam, what are you doing here?
Dr. Liam Neesam: I'm Scoochie.
Mary: You're the one who's been writing me love letters for the past three years? I thought you'd forgotten me.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Forgotten you? One of my most cherished memories is the two of us co-mingling on your butcher block.
Dick: No. No, no. I'm Scoochie. Mary, this man's an imposter.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Now, we know that the real Scoochie is a master of verse, so why don't we settle this with a little off-the-cuff verbal jousting? [crowd cheers and applauds]
Dick: Now... to me, off-the-cuff verbal jousting is a dish best served written in advance.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Are you declining my challenge? [crowd boos and hisses]
Dick: No. Not at all. Let the verbal jab-fest begin. But you go first.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh. Very well. [throws axe into the crowd] Of all the hours in a day, the only time is you. You are the beat of my breath. You are the wine in my blood. You... are Mary.
Mary: Oh! [crowd applauds and whistles]

Tommy: Well, is he back to destroy the world?
Dick: He's back to destroy my world. Liam is Scoochie.
Sally: What?
Dick: Yes! And Scoochie is from Team X!
Harry: No way!
Dick: The Probie wasn't enough for him. Now he wants to steal my Mary.

Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, thank you all very much for being here. As you represent our targeted alien consumers, any suggestions you have in this focus group will be very much appreciated. Back in a moment with you. [exits]
Dick: Now, remember, don't hold back. It's vital to the survival of the human race that you tell him how much you hate this plan.
Sally: Yeah. Got it.
Harry: Okay.
Dr. Liam Neesam: [returns] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Planet Monkey World. [overlapping chatter]
Harry: Ooh!
Sally: Wow!
Dick: Lame, lame!
Dr. Liam Neesam: No, hear me out. I mean, Planet Monkey World is based on a simple premise: monkeys are funny. Picture Beethoven's 5th at Carnegie Hall. Boring! Now, picture it played by 120 classically trained monkeys. [all except Dick laugh] You go to a store to buy a monkey wrench and it is sold to you by a monkey.

Dick: This is horrible! We've got to find some way to stop Liam! His plan will obliterate humanity!
Tommy: If only he wasn't so cold-hearted. If he only cared about people and earth like we do.
Dick: Wait. Tommy, that's it! Liam is in a human body. He must have human emotions. We can exploit that.
Sally: Yeah. If we get him to feel sympathy for humans, maybe he'll think twice about turning them into monkeys.

♫ Arthur, he does as he pleases ♫
Dr. Liam Neesam: See, just like Arthur, I do as I please.
♫ Deep in his heart, he's just He's just a boy ♫
Dr. Liam Neesam: I've always fancied that at heart, I'm a child. Tell me, he has a drinking problem?
♫ Showing himself a really good time ♫
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, with a healthy attitude like that, he must have a reasonable chance of beating this alcohol thing. I mean, is he in it alone or what?
Sally: Oh, no. He's got the love of Liza Minelli to help him through.
Dr. Liam Neesam: You know that happened to me recently. This is extraordinary. This Arthur thing is all about me, and suddenly I feel this odd mix of joy and sorrow, of hope and despair, of triumph and tragedy.
Dick: Yes, Liam, that's... that's humanity.
Dr. Liam Neesam: But it's wonderful!
Dick: Does this mean that you're scrapping Planet Monkey World?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, screw Planet- What happened? I feel so alive. [kisses Dick and exits]