Dick: Oh, that rat! He's using her mind to get to her body! That's so... rat-like!

Harry: Come on, Sally, it's starting.
Tommy: We've watched this movie, what? Nine times now? And like the wine Arthur drinks, it keeps getting better with age.
Sally: You know, I wish I had a limousine.
Tommy: And a butler.
Harry: And a shameless chemical dependency.
Sally: Oh, yeah.

Dr. Liam Neesam: Do you know what time it is?
Dick: Time to come clean. Time to bare my soul. Time to tell you that I, like you... am an alien.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Impossible. Open your mouth. Good Lord. So you are. Good night. [closes door]
Dick: [opens door] Look! Now that you know I'm an alien, you'll stop seeing Mary, right?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Why should I do that?
Dick: Well, because of the alien's code... which states that aliens cannot steal girlfriends from other aliens.
Dr. Liam Neesam: You just made that up.
Dick: I did not.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Did.
Dick: Did not.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Did.
Dick: Not.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Did.

Dr. Liam Neesam: All right, then. Who enforces this code of yours?
Dick: Before I answer that, may I ask you, what is the single thing that frightens you the most?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, I suppose a shark attack.
Dick: Oh, well, coincidentally, the code is enforced by a squadron of sharks.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Sharks? Oh, I love sharks.
Dick: But you just said that you hated sharks.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, I must have misunderstood the question.

Dr. Liam Neesam: Now, any questions?
Tommy: Yes. Will the monkeys have monkey boobs or human boobs?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Good question, good question. My gut tells me human.
Tommy: Nice.
Harry: Aw, damn.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Harry, you had your hand up?
Harry: Oh! Uh, no. Tommy covered it.

Dick: Just how do you plan to turn the humans into monkeys?
Dr. Liam Neesam: With this Ape-Maker 3000, a species transmorphic device. Now, who would like to come up with some ideas for the new territories of Planet Monkey World? What we're trying to do is, we're throwing monkey-related words into existing names, you see? So Mississippi becomes Bananasippi or Missouri becomes Bananassouri. What about California?
Dick: Oh, I know! Monkeycalifornia.
Dr. Liam Neesam: It's a bit on the nose, isn't it, Dick?
Tommy: Bananafornia.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Very good! Tommy's got it!
Dick: A lucky guess!
Tommy: It's not a lucky guess. You just put banana in front of all the names.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, no. Not necessarily. Banana is a common theme, but we like to mix it up a bit.

Dr. Liam Neesam: Anyone else?
Sally: Okay. Um, how about Opposablethumbsylvania?
Dr. Liam Neesam: There you go.
Tommy: Dianefossechusetts.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Marvelous!
Harry: Crapthrowerzona.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Yes. We may have to clean it up a bit, but I like the idea.

Dick: North Monkeykota.
Dr. Liam Neesam: No.
Tommy: South Monkeykota.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Brilliant!
Dick: Oh, drat! New Monkeyexico.
Dr. Liam Neesam: No, no.
Harry: Curious Georgia.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Marvelous!

Mary: And on a final note, my friends, my colleagues, on the bicycle that is my success, you are the training wheels guiding me down that bike path toward my dream.
Judith: Could she be any more pompous?
Nina: Yes. You should have seen her first draft. She compared herself to Abraham Lincoln, and he did not come off well.

Dick: Listen, Mary, I think it would be a huge mistake for you to take this job with Liam.
Mary: This is so typical! I finally get the opportunity to make some money in a job I love and you want me shackled to this flea-bag college and a dead-end relationship.
Dick: Oh, really? Do people in a dead-end relationship buy an ab-roller together?
Mary: You're just jealous of Liam.
Dick: Oh, Mary, I'm worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt. Liam is... not what he appears to be.
Mary: Oh, right. He's not suave or brilliant or incredibly romantic.
Dick: Mary, if those things were important to you, you should have said something! I'm not a mind-reader, you know!
Mary: That's it, Dick. I'm taking this job. It's Mary Albright's turn to climb to new heights! [exits]
Dick: Oh, Mary with four hands and a prehensile tail, it'll be a fast trip.