TV Quotes

Don: It was kind of bizarre.
Mary: Yeah. And what Sally said about how attentive you are in bed, I...
Sally: How about what Dick said about that burlap square. I just can't get that picture of you naked out of my head. I'm sorry.
Mary: Oh, that's okay. What Sally said about you keeps playing in my head on a loop. "Don stays until the job gets done. Don stays until the job gets done. Don stays until the job gets done."
Don: Tell me about the mask, Mary. Is it red? Is it red?
Mary: With pointy horns.
Don: Holy mama. [they kiss]
Cashier: Next.
Mary: Oh, oh. Price check.
Don: I don't know her.

Dick: So, Don, Mary, are Sally and I good in bed?
Don: It starts.
Mary: I think Don and I would prefer to talk about bread.
Sally: Is that true, Don?
Mary: Or the butter.
Dick: Fine, yeah, we'll talk about bread. Is Irish soda bread really all- Oh, I can't do it! Look, there's something the two of you won't tell us. We already know what it is, so what is it?
Mary: Dick, I haven't the faintest idea-
Don: Mary and I kissed.
Mary: Aw, geez.

Mary: Well, it wasn't completely our fault.
Don: You lit the wick. What can I say?
Dick: Oh, good way to soften the blow.
Sally: Yeah, nice blow softener.
Dick: Admit it, Mary, you kissed because we're inadequate.
Mary: That's not it.
Dick: Come on, Sally, let's leave these thoroughbreds alone in their stables.
Sally: Yeah, the big stud and his feisty little broodmare.
Dick: Mary, pay for dinner yourself. Here is you credit card.

Harry: You wanna come with us?
Tommy: No, I've got a lot to do tonight. I've got inventory and receipt totals. I'm gearing up for that tire recall.
Harry: Are you sure? I could cover for you if you want to go out and have some fun.
Tommy: Harry, do you think that Kerouac went out drinking and having adventures with rowdy characters?
Harry: Yeah, it says right here-
Tommy: I haven't had time to read it yet.
Harry: Well, that's too bad, because you have to kiss a man.

Sally: You know, normally I'd twist Albright's head off like a bottle cap for kissing my man, but tonight I just don't have it in me.
Dick: Oh, who can blame them? After years of wandering in a carnal desert, they finally stumbled on the sweet oasis of each other.
Sally: My poor Donny, having to fake it all these years.
Dick: Maybe I try to be too creative. Insisting that we make love on the beach. In an elevator. In that office supply store. Maybe I was just too forceful, too spontaneous.
Sally: And I thought that showing up in a see-through camisole and a thong was all I needed.
Dick: Endless hot-oil massages.
Sally: A leather halter and a sparkly platinum wig.
Dick: Stallion-like endurance.
Sally: Yoga.
Dick: Yoga? In bed? Tell me about it.
Sally: Only if you tell me what kind of stallion you are.
Dick: A great, big one. [both nuzzle] [both scream]

Tommy: [drums] Bed flesh of my brother dinosaur in cans, in tanks, petroleum. Petroleum. You have so many uses. I got nothing.

Tommy: Nice of you boys to show up. Where've you been?
Harry: Well, about the only place we haven't been is jail.
Phil: Harry, we were in jail.
Harry: Oh, yeah, no wonder that bathroom attendant was so aggressive.

Phil: Harry and I are gonna hit the open road.
Harry: Yeah, the Allman brothers are in Branson. We got no choice. We're Allman-heads.
Tommy: What, you- You can't go! Phil, you have to run the gas station.
Phil: I'm not like you, Tommy. I don't want to run a gas station the rest of my life.
Tommy: Well, neither do I.
Harry: Well, then come with us.
Tommy: I don't wanna do that, either! If I go with you, I know in two weeks, I'll just end up managing the Allman brothers. And at this stage in their career, that's just not smart.

Mary: Dick? Are you out there- Dick. We've got to talk. [Dick whimpers] Oh, what're you doing? Are you giving me the silent treatment? I invented the silent treatment.
Dick: Why talk? Talk just ruins everything. One or two slightly colorful turns of phrase, can make a man dump a woman, a woman throw over the love of her life, and a brilliant college professor kiss his own sister.
Mary: Your sister?
Dick: I'm not talking.

Mary: Oh, Dick, what I did was wrong, and I'm really embarrassed. But there's a reason why people's personal lives are personal.
Dick: I guess I better watch what I say.
Mary: No, I don't want you to censor yourself. I love 80% of what comes out of your mouth. But let's keep what's special between us between us.
Dick: So you don't love Don?
Mary: I don't even like Don.
Dick: Oh, Mary. [they kiss] Did you bring the mask?
Mary: No.
Dick: Oh, good, that thing never did anything for me.
Mary: Oh.
Dick: It was the burlap.