‘I Enjoy Being a Dick’
Season 1, Episode 15 - Aired April 21, 1996
Dick feels left out of Mary and Nina's women's study group. Meanwhile, Sally and Harry get jobs.
Quote from Dick
Mary: It's really not for you. It's a place where we can open up and share our feelings.
Dick: I have feelings.
Nina: It's a women's study group.
Dick: I'll take notes. Please, let me come.
Mary: Does everything have to involve you?
Dick: In a perfect world, yes. I'll be very quiet. You won't even know I'm there.
Mary: I think a man's presence would be inhibiting.
Dick: I said you won't even know I'm there!
Quote from Dick
Mary: Don't take this personally. It's not as if we were deliberately trying to exclude you. You want to have lunch now?
Nina: Sure. I'd love to. [both exit]
Dick: Fine! I'll have my lunch alone like a man. My apple is so tiny.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Sally, I'm right again. I returned to the store, I sent back your extravagant purchases, and I met a lovely saleswoman named Gwen, and the two of us effortlessly put together a thrifty yet stylish ensemble. Behold.
Sally: Big deal. It's just a little black dress.
Dick: Ah, to the untrained eye, but add a faux jacquard scarf and a pair of pearl button earrings, and look.
Harry: Ooh!
Dick: And this skirt. It's an economical acrylic blend, but look how it drapes. And the vertical stripes are so slimming.
All: Ah!
Dick: You like?
Sally: Nice.
Quote from Dick
Dick: I've got to find out what she's doing. Hmm, a study group for women. Women only. [speaks German] I have to find someone to infiltrate this group, but who? Who?
Quote from Harry
Man: Hey, you got any real syrup?
Harry: Why, yes, we do, sir, but may I suggest a dash of boysenberry to bring out the hidden oakiness in your otherwise common Vermont maple? [the customer grabs the bottle] Enjoy it, Mr. Grabby.
Quote from Sally
Sally: Uh, whoa. Let me ask you something. Was your service quick and courteous?
Man: Yes.
Sally: Was your food hot and exactly what you ordered?
Man: Yes.
Sally: Move over, sweetie. Then why is it, my friend, when I subtract your check from the amount on the tray, I come up with 97 cents for me.
Man: I didn't think you'd count it in front of me.
Sally: But you're glad I did, now, aren't you?
Man: Yes, ma'am.
Sally: Because now you understand that a tip is short for gratuity, and gratuity is short for gratitude.
Man: I never heard that, ma'am.
Sally: Don't interrupt me. Gratitude for a job well-done. Now, 5% is not gratitude, mister, it's an invitation to an ass-kicking. Got it?
Man: Got it.
Sally: Thank you. Have a nice day! I'm doing great.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Oh, pardon me.
Nina: No, it's entirely my- Oh, my!
Dick: Nina, it's me, Dr. Solomon.
Nina: Oh. [giggles]
Dick: I'm wearing women's clothes.
Nina: Ah, that's it.
Quote from Mary
Dick: Hello.
Mary: What are you doing here? Do you hate me?
Dick: Don't be ridiculous.
Mary: Do you ever have this little voice in your head that says this might be a bad idea?
Woman: [o.s.] Shh!
Quote from Harry
Sally: So, Harry, how much did we make?
Harry: I'll get our tip jar.
Sally: Whew! You know, I have never been so fulfilled. For the first time as a human, I feel a sense of accomplishment and worth.
Harry: Wow! $27 and 15 cents.
Sally: Come on, Harry. You must have missed a couple of hundreds. Let me see this. I worked eight stinkin' hours for a lousy pile of pennies? I could've found this in a couch.
Harry: Remember, we're splitting it.
Sally: Shut up! $27 and 15 cents?
Harry: Ooh! And a mento. [eats then spits out] Not a mento.