Harry: I want to make the world a better place. I want to bring mankind the gift of electricity.
Tommy: They have electricity.
Harry: Ah. Then my work is done.

Dick: Sally, where's my breakfast?
Sally: I'm working on it. [accidentally knocks Harry down with a frying pan]
Dick: Harry, what are you doing on the floor?
Harry: [stands up] I have no idea. But what is noble in a universe where entropy grips us in a fatal dance of nihilistic despair?
Dick: Why is he talking like this?
Sally: I don't know. All I did was this. [hits Harry again]
Dick: Give me this. If he's broken, it's going right into the report.
Harry: I wrote me a little song yesterday, and it goes like this. [sings] Hi-Dee hi hi-Dee ho, hi -Dee hi-Dee, hi-Dee, ho
Tommy: What's wrong with Harry?
Dick: I don't know. He seems to be having a reaction to a crushing skull blow.
Tommy: What, with this? [hits Harry]
Dick: Be careful. We could actually hurt Harry.
Harry: [imitating Ross Perot] Now, liberals want you to believe that more government is gonna solve your problems.
Dick: [hits Harry] I'm sorry. I couldn't live with that.

Mary: You are the biggest fool I have ever known.
Dick: Really, is that what you think?
Mary: To say that you behaved childishly is an insult to children everywhere.
Dick: That's it, open up. Talk to me.
Mary: I am a merry-go-round person. You are a tilt-a-whirl person.
Dick: This is good. Tell me your feelings.
Mary: Before you came into this office, I had a very sane and ordered life. I could go for weeks without explaining myself, and now the sky's the limit! You drive me crazy!
Dick: I do all this to you?
Mary: Yes!
Dick: Well, I must be a pretty exciting guy. [Mary screams] Now, that's good. Now we're communicating. Now I know what you're thinking.
Mary: What am I thinking?
Dick: You like me. [Mary squirts water at Dick] You really like me.

August: These career tests are so stupid. I mean, mine suggests I set my sights on optometry or horse training. What does yours say?
Tommy: Astronaut.
August: [laughs] Yeah, right, you flying around in space.
Tommy: [chuckles] Me? No. Like I know anything about anti-matter containment vessels.

Sally: Oh, boy, did we luck out. You know, not everybody can walk in off the street and get a job at a pancake house. Harry, what are you doing?
Harry: Oh, well, the training manual said no hair below the shoulders. Now, I don't think anybody's going to look there, but, uh... you know, a rule's a rule.

Harry: Sally, where's my breakfast? I haven't had anything to eat since that bottle of ketchup you fixed me, not that it wasn't delicious.
Sally: Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on. Now, I just can't get ready as fast as you guys. Every morning I have to wash, dry, pluck, powder, dab, cleanse, deep cleanse, exfoliate, pop, curl, blow, and buff.
Harry: Well, that's far too complicated. You know, I usually just rinse, spit, unzip the parka, and voila.

Mrs. Dubcek: What is the big emergency?
Dick: Look, it's just awful.
Mrs. Dubcek: I don't see anything.
Dick: It's the dishes. They're dirty, and we need a plate.
Mrs. Dubcek: Don't you boys know how to wash a dish?
Dick: Of course not, that's Sally's job.
Harry: Yeah, that and killing spiders. [guys groan]
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, please.
Dick: We wouldn't ask you, except Sally's mysteriously absent, and without a clean plate we could starve!

Sally: All right, fine, High Commander. Take it all back to the store and get your money back. I'm going to get a job and make my own money. I am sick and tired of having to justify myself to you every time something pretty goes on sale. Come on, Harry, you're going to get a job, too.
Harry: I am?
Sally: Yes, I will not go unaccessorized.

Tommy: It's graduation. I'm not sure if I'm even going to be here in five years.
August: I know what this is. You don't want to commit to me because you're not sure I'm your soulmate. When you're done sorting out your feelings, give me a call.
Tommy: No, wait, August. Wait, wait, wait. I- I think that we've reached a point in our relationship where I can tell you the truth about me.
August: What?
Tommy: August... I care more about you than anything , and as long as I'm on this planet, I want to be with you.
August: There, now aren't you glad you sorted out your feelings?
Tommy: Oh, yeah.

Tommy: Hey, um, listen, I got a question for you. We've been on this planet awhile now, and I was just wondering, if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it would be so dangerous?
Sally: No, not at all, Tommy. In fact, I've already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman. Ooh, and that nice guy down at the mini mart because I want us all to die like lab rats at the hands of primitive scientists!
Tommy: Okay.