Dick: Dr. Ravelli.
Jennifer Ravelli: Dr. Solomon.
Dick: No, no. Before you speak, there's something I need you to know. [clears throat] "We've only been sharing this office 3 days, and already I have concerns. What happened between us last night, and by that, I mean the kiss, was, in hindsight, impetuous, rash..."
Jennifer Ravelli: And perfect.
Dick: Oh, thank god. I thought so, too. Now I won't have to read the rest of this crap. [they kiss]

Don: Now hold still.
Dick: Oh, I can't hold still.
Don: You've got to hold still.
Dick: I can't. I'm so excited to be going out with Jennifer. She's got me all tangled up in one big, doughy love pretzel.

Dick: She's brilliant, she's kind, she has the most delightful giggle. Mary never giggles.
Don: Right. So was the breakup with Mary messy?
Dick: No, not at all. I haven't done it.
Don: You haven't?
Dick: Oh, no. Who needs all that unpleasantness? Life is too short.
Don: Dick, two ladies. That could blow up in your face.
Dick: What do you mean?
Don: As a man with an active fantasy life, I can respect what you're going through, but it can't work. You've got to do right by Mary.
Dick: You're probably right. I've got it! I'll pick up Jennifer, then I'll swing by the office to break up with Mary, but I won't kiss Jennifer until afterwards.
Don: Now you're talking like a man.

Jennifer Ravelli: Oh, Dick, you'll love this place.
Dick: Tofu dog? Wheatgrass soup? Celery ham? [laughs] This is very funny. Now, uh, where's the real menu?
Jennifer Ravelli: Dick, this is a lacto-ovo-vegetarian restaurant. I have a lot of allergies.
Dick: Oh. Are they bad?
Jennifer Ravelli: Well, if I eat a peanut or a nut, my face swells up, and my body explodes in hives.
Dick: Oh, that is so cute.
Jennifer Ravelli: Here's an odd bit of trivia for you. A lot of people don't know that a peanut is not actually a nut. It's a legume.
Dick: Oh. And a lot of people don't know that a walnut is not actually a peanut. It is a walnut.
Jennifer Ravelli: [giggles] You nut.

Jennifer Ravelli: You know, you remind me of my good friend Geoffrey Chaucer.
Dick: Is he gay? Because if he isn't, I don't want you hanging out with him.
Jennifer Ravelli: Fear not, my dear Dick. You've no competition.
Dick: Oh, how I crave you, my academician. What say we skip dinner and rush to dessert?
Jennifer Ravelli: Listen to you, you impetuous flirt.

Tommy: Guys, Dick's home.
Harry: Oh, gosh, he's gonna be so excited.
Dick: [humming the theme from Love Story]
Sally: Dick, what do you think?
Dick: I think I found my soul mate.
Tommy: No. What do you think of this?
Dick: This? Oh, this is stupid.
Harry: Blasphemer!
Tommy: No, no! It's not his fault. We're so cutting-edge, it just confuses him. People have to be eased into this.
Dick: Cutting-edge? You just moved the kitchen into the living room. [all groan]

Harry: We haven't made any improvements at all. This is just two less-good versions of the same old room.
Sally: Oh, god, we're idiots. Let's move it all back.
Tommy: Not so fast. What if there was a room that combined the comfort and leisure of the living room with the food-making capabilities of the kitchen?
Harry: Well, even I don't believe in that Xanadu.
Sally: Hold on a second. That's a room I'd like to hear more about.

Dick: A beautiful day today, is it not?
Jennifer Ravelli: I had a nice walk from the parking lot.
Dick: I noticed you had a nice shady spot.
Jennifer Ravelli: It's a handicapped space. I hope I'm not caught.
Dick: I'm feeling a feeling I thought I'd forgot.
Jennifer Ravelli: Is it me, or is this room incredibly hot?
Nina: Ahem.
Jennifer Ravelli: Methinks we'd best get back to work.
Nina: Youthinks? Mmm, that's very street.
Jennifer Ravelli: Street? Circa 1638. [chuckles]
Nina: Mmm, that's so funny. I'm gonna go write it down.

Jennifer Ravelli: Uh, I'll have the Joy of Soy.
Dick: Deux. You really love that Joy of Soy.
Jennifer Ravelli: It's one of the only protein sources I'm allowed.
Dick: Oh. Ever?
Jennifer Ravelli: Uh... kinda. I'm allergic to nuts and peanuts. You know, a lot of people don't know that a peanut is not actually a nut... it's a legume.
Dick: It's a legume. Yes, you mentioned that before.
Jennifer Ravelli: Oh, Dick, pray tell, have I become a bore?
Dick: I find you delightful. Now please tell me more.

Nina: Are you okay?
Mary: I'm thrilled. I'm at my job. No time for a relationship. I'm the big Dean. Career lady.
Nina: Come on. That doesn't give him the right to do what he did.
Mary: No, it doesn't. He's an immature, loathsome, stupid man! Oh, god, I miss him.
Nina: Come on, let's go out, get drunk, make fun of him!
Mary: I don't feel like going out.
Nina: Okay.
Mary: [pulls out a bottle of Scotch] Sit down.