Sally: It's too bad. He would have really liked my stuffing.
Dick: Well, he should have put on the pilgrim costume.
Sally: Why didn't you put on the pilgrim costume? You're the one who wanted to show off and have a big, stupid Thanksgiving.
Dick: That's not why I had a big, stupid Thanksgiving. I did it for all of you.
Sally: Oh, admit it, Dick, everything is about you.
Dick: Well, what about you? You had a good time.
Sally: Oh, yeah, if you call spending the whole day in the kitchen with these two jabbermouths a good time.
Mary: Hey! One of those jabber mouths is his girlfriend!
Dick: Yeah!
Sally: I have had it with all of you! This holiday is over!
Dick: Oh, I see! Well! Now I have something to give thanks for. Thanks for nothing!
Mrs. Dubcek: This is why I go to the beef 'n' griddle.

Vicki Dubcek: I've never felt this way before.
Harry: I've never felt this sticky before.
Vicki Dubcek: Harry, I got to go home to Orlando tomorrow. But I'll be back. You know, I like you, Harry. You're- You're not like the other guys.
Harry: Ah. No, ma'am.
Vicki Dubcek: Do you, uh- Do you think we could make it work?
Harry: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty tired.
Vicki Dubcek: I meant us, Harry.
Harry: Ah, I definitely think that "us" could work.
Vicki Dubcek: Me too. Your family's a little strange, though.
Harry: Ha! Your Mother's Ms. Dubcek.

Tommy: Sorry I left like that.
Dick: No, that's all right. I- I don't think it was your fault.
Tommy: Yeah, I found out something pretty cool. You know how you tried to make this a special day, but all the resentment I had for you came spewing out and we ended up spending the whole day avoiding each other?
Dick: Yeah.
Tommy: It's normal.
Dick: I was gonna tell you the same thing! Yeah, the screaming, the fighting, the exploding resentments... that's what Thanksgiving is!
Tommy: So we did get it right.
Dick: Yeah.
Tommy: Nailed it.

Dick: I've never felt so content. I look around this room and I see nothing but familiar faces. Well, some are more familiar than others. I barely know you. But it doesn't matter, because tonight you're all family, and this has been the perfect Thanksgiving.
Mrs. Dubcek: And now for the perfect dessert. Surprise!
[The Solomons scream. Mary and Vicki fall to the floor as Dick and Harry jump up, along with Sally and Tommy, and run out of the room.]
Mary: I guess not everyone likes Jell-O.

Dick: Hello? Hello? Mary! Mary! Mary, what have they done to your hair? Speak to me, Mary!
Janitor: Dr. Solomon, what are you doing here?
Dick: I'm trying to find Mary, but she's probably already dead!
Janitor: Are you sure she's not home eating a big meal, celebrating the holiday?
Dick: "Holiday"? What do you mean, "holiday"?
Janitor: It's Thanksgiving.
Dick: Oh! So it's not the apocalypse. It's... What did you call it?
Janitor: Thanksgiving. You should be home with your loved ones around a dinner table, giving thanks for what you've got.

Dick: So Mary isn't dead?
Janitor: Probably not.
Dick: She's giving thanks.
Janitor: That's right. With her loved ones.
Dick: Yeah. But- But- But that's me!
Janitor: Go on home. Have a beer. Take a nap. You'll feel like a human being.
Dick: Well, of course I will, 'cause that's what I am, a human being. And overlooking the holidays was simply human error.

Dick: It's a national holiday. Everybody gets to take the day off. [all cheer] Except for Sally.
Sally: What?
Dick: She has to go into the kitchen and make an enormous feast.
Sally: Great. Our first holiday on earth, and I got to cook.
Dick: And then after we eat, we have to give thanks.
Sally: To me? For cooking? Oh!
Dick: Oh, Sally. No, no, we have to give thanks for something bigger, something more important, something like... Well, not this, but something like how good looking I am. Maybe if we just run it through, it'll hit us.

Sally: But what if we get it wrong? It'll give us away.
Dick: Now, look, men, when we first landed on this planet, we didn't know squat. We didn't even know what the word "squat" meant. And we had to find out the hard way.
Harry: And it hurt.
Dick: All we have to do is find a human example and follow it.
Mrs. Dubcek: Hello, hello, everybody!
Tommy: Mrs. Dubcek.
Dick: Close enough.

Tommy: Forget it, Dick, I'm not putting that thing on.
Dick: Once again, you let us down.
Tommy: What are you talking about?
Dick: You're the information officer. You should have prepped us for this holiday weeks ago, and now you won't wear the costume! Is there any end to your treachery?
Tommy: Look, Dick, if it's a holiday, why don't you just take the day off my back.
Dick: Oh, I will. I will not allow my disappointment in you to destroy this festival, even though the costume would put us all in the Thanksgiving mood.
Tommy: Yeah, well, it'll put me in the crappy mood!

Tommy: Ever since we got here, I can't do anything right for you. Why is that?
Dick: Don't use use that tone of voice with me, old man.
Tommy: Oh! I'm going for a walk.
Dick: Oh, fine! And don't come back until you're damn ready to sit down with your family and have fun!