‘Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 2’
Season 3, Episode 2 - Aired September 24, 1997
Mary finds out that Dick spent the night with another woman, Janet (Roseanne Barr). Meanwhile, Officer Don investigates the crop circle where the Solomons landed.
Quote from Don
Don: Of course. A sling-a-rang in an empty field. I should've known. It was you. It was you all along.
Tommy: Yeah. Well, I feel better. Thanks for listening, Don. Bye.
Don: Tommy! There are a lot of rotten kids in a town like Rutherford, but I expected more of you. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
Tommy: Well, I know that must tear you up, Don, considering it could jeopardize your relationship with my gorgeous aunt Sally.
Don: Yup, that's an owie. But for your own good, I'm gonna have to charge you as an adult.
Tommy: Oh, does that mean I can rent Showgirls?
Quote from Sally
Harry: Bye, Janet.
Sally: What? Janet's leaving?
Dick: Yes.
Sally: [screams] No! Janet, don't go!
Dick: I don't believe it. The fake mother of my phony son. I've been dumped by my wife and my fiancee in the same day.
Sally: Oh, what about me? I've lost a live-in maid, a cook, a gardener, a chauffeur, and an electrician. I loved her!
Quote from Dick
Janet: Good morning, lover.
Dick: Oh, my God! What have I done?
Janet: Well, not much. But, hey, there's always tonight.
Dick: Oh, what time is it? I- I've got to get to work.
Janet: No, don't worry about it. I already called Nina, and I told her you were gonna be late.
Dick: You called Nina?
Janet: Yes. I- I told her everything.
Dick: You told her everything?! [runs out]
Janet: Well, where's my kiss?!
Quote from Don
Don: Sally, what I have in my hand is a piece of a terrifying alien spacecraft. Undeniable proof that they've landed. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pack this in dry ice and drive it to the regional field office of the FBI in Cleveland.
Tommy: Why dry ice?
Don: Gives a nice smoky effect. Well good-bye, Sally.
Sally: Good-bye?
Don: I'm off to save the earth... [puts on sunglasses]... from the scum of the universe.
Quote from Dick
Mary: Dick, what happened last night? Where were you?
Dick: Well, didn't Harry tell you?
Mary: He told me you fell down a well.
Dick: Uh, uh, uh, he was covering for me. See I was packing my bag so that we could elope!
Mary: Elope?
Dick: Yes! We're going to Akron! Oh, it'll be so romantic. You, me, the notary public at the Copy-Mart.
Mary: Well, I--I can't just leave. I have to cancel 3 classes, and is Nina in?
Dick: No! Uh... Mary, forget about your classes. This time tomorrow we'll be on our honeymoon. We can go anywhere we want for as long as we want. Heck, we may never come back. We're crazy in love, let's go!
Quote from Dick
Mary: Come on, Dick. Who was she?
Dick: Okay. I wanted to keep this a surprise. She was a travel agent. I was up all night with her planning our honeymoon in Hawaii. So, once again, what are we waiting for? Let's go!
Mary: An all-night travel agent?
Dick: They're the best! Oh, Mary, just picture it. Just us. Just the two of us, no one else. By the ocean. Palm trees swaying in the breeze. You sunning yourself in front of me, sensually removing your gauzy dress, your underwire bra, your support panties with the tummy-control panel, and finally your knee-highs, all in the glow of a full moon while I play Hawaiian wedding song. [hums through nose]
Quote from Dick
Janet: Dick, honey, I brought your lunch!
Dick: My god. Janet! I mean... who are you?!
Janet: I'm your wife, silly.
Mary: She's your what?!
Janet: His wife. Nice to meet you.
Mary: You're married?
Janet: Well, uh, not in the way you think.
Mary: You told me your wife was dead!
Dick: That's what she told me!
Janet: I'm not dead!
Quote from Harry
Sally: Dick!
Harry: Your wife is coming! Your wife is coming! Your wife-
Mary: [slaps Dick] You son of a bitch!
Dick: Oh, Mary! Please! Wait, Mary!
Harry: We may be too late.
Sally: Gee you think?
Janet: So who's the shiksa?
Quote from Mary
Dick: Mary, please stop! I have to tell you something, something that will clear up this whole mess.
Mary: I can't wait to hear this.
Dick: Okay. Here's the absolute truth. I have a wife. Fine. I'll give you that. But, Mary, there's something you don't realize. She doesn't understand me.
Mary: Oh, you poor thing.
Dick: You're the only woman I love.
Mary: Oh, great.
Dick: And when I'm with her, all I think about is you.
Mary: Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know! Every married man I've ever dated.
Dick: How many married men have you dated?
Mary: Just one, Dick. You! Because I don't do that. And you know what else I don't do with married men? Marry them!
Quote from Dick
Janet: Well, hi, honey. How was your day?
Dick: Oh, how was my day? My life has become a farce! And not a witty little door-slamming, everybody-runs-around farce. No! A cheerless, lachrymose, dispiriting farce where the only one laughing is a crying mime!
Janet: Well, at least we have each other.
Dick: But I don't love you.
Janet: What?!
Dick: I don't love you!
Janet: You do too love me. I am your wife, the person you're supposed to love! Those are the rules!
Dick: There are no rules! You can feel whatever you want for whoever you want to. Love's not an assignment. It just happens! That's Earth, baby!